Just Another Day

I had one of those moments yesterday when I just felt like the most awful mother ever.  Ever have those?  Silje and David were at a 4H meeting, so Elias and Solveig and I went running some errands.

Elias had been having a bad day.  His whining had been improving, but that day he had not yet said one word in a “nice” voice.  It was 11am, and already I was so done.  We were almost out of coffee, and my creamer, so we stopped at the grocery store quick while we were in town to pick some up.  It was going to be a fast trip, with only 2 kids in tow and only 2 things on the list.

Elias whined the whole time we were in the store.  I reminded him that if he whines the whole time, he doesn’t get his free cookie at the bakery.  Those are only for kids doing a good job.  So he starts screaming at the top of his lungs that he’s doing a good job.  If that was the case, I’d HATE to see what a bad job was.

I should probably stop the story at this point to give a bit of the origin of bloody noses and my kids.  It was only after we were married that I realized Knut got bloody noses often (well, at least more often than I ever got them), especially when the seasons change, and especially when he’s tired.  He explained it was no big deal, and it was fine as long as he got enough sleep and sometimes he had to run a humidifier.

Then when Silje was about 18 mos or 2 she started getting bloody noses during the same circumstances: tired or season change.  I asked her doctor about it, and mentioned my husband gets the same thing. The doctor said that it was a hereditary thing.  Some people have the genes for weak blood vessels in their noses, and they are just aggravated easily, but it was nothing to worry about. 

In the last year we’ve realized Elias inherited those same genes as Silje and Knut.  So far 50% of our family deals with bloody noses when they’re tired or the weather has turned cold.

Elias has been dealing with random bloody noses for the last 2 weeks, (right around the time we started running the wood burning fireplace in the house) so we’ve been running a humidifier in his room 24/7, and in the house during the day.  It’s brought them down to about once a week, and they’re almost gone altogether as we’ve switched our house from dehumidifying mode to humidifying mode.  It has caused a lot of laundry, but what else is new?

So back to the store…

Elias is whining.  He’s screaming.  He wants this or that.  He wants me to stop.  No, he doesn’t want to stop.  He wants to go home.  I pick up our coffee things, and as we walk past the bakery and Solveig perked up her smile for the ladies behind the counter, I did what I have done with every single one of my kids…and it’s hard:

I give a free cookie that is provided for kids at our grocery store to each of the kids doing a good job, and withhold a cookie from the kids doing a bad job.  (In this case, Elias.)  They still can have the cookie.  It’s sitting on top of my purse.  At this point, I tell them that they do not get cookies for bad behavior.  Getting down to his level, I explained that if he decided to control his body and his voice for the whole time we’re checking out, I will reward his good behavior with the cookie in the car.

Normally, this gets bad at this point.  I expect it, and that makes it easier to handle.  When the misbehaving child realizes that everyone is getting a treat but him, the bad behavior escalates…a lot.  There is a full blown tantrum on our hands.  Normally they scream during the whole check out…at least the first time.  (For the record, he had a snack 15 minutes before the store of an apple and toffee covered peanuts.  He wasn’t hungry.  I’ve made that mistake before.)  It gets loud, because the poor boy is frustrated, and things are not going his way.  It’s a teaching moment.  I can either teach him that screaming will get him what he wants, or I can teach him that the rules apply to all of the kids, and each kid is responsible for his own actions.  Cookies are not an entitlement.

At any rate, I’ve found that if I hold to our family rules of public behavior, and endure screaming in the check out from time to time, they learn that I mean what I say, even when people are watching.  It makes the next 6 months or so of grocery shopping is like heaven with the kids striving to show that they can follow the rules.  It’s worth it…but it’s really hard to do when everyone is staring at you with eyes that say “Just give him the stupid cookie so he’ll shut up!”

I used to stare at mothers with judgment when I saw kids screaming in stores.  After Silje was born, I used to think “why are they taking that child out when he’s obviously tired?” or something else of that nature.  I was the person who had never dealt with toddlers, who had never dealt with multiple children and juggling activities and nap times that were phasing out, but not all the way out.  I had so much wisdom, and so little grace back then.

I’ve found, if I can get through this public humiliation, you better believe the kids know I mean what I say.  It actually increases the trust between us.  They help, stay close, are polite, and shopping trips are a piece of cake for quite awhile after something like this happens.  You have to walk through the fire to get there, though.  I just figured this was Elias’ turn to learn this lesson.

So as we’re checking out, and Solveig is pleasantly saying “hi” to everyone around her, Elias is still pleading with me screaming “I am doing a good job, I AM!!”  I look in his face, I get down to his level.  I explain again that what a good job is, and what a good job is not.  I explain again that he does not get cookies for acting like this, but should he change his mind, control his body and voice, the cookie will be waiting for him.  I smile at the cashier, take my change and bags, and calmly start dragging Elias out to the car.  I’ve explained enough, and I just say with a firm grip on his hand, “it’s time to go to the car.”

Good mom, right?  Doing what I say I’ll do.  Not losing temper, and enforcing rules.  It isn’t until we approach the outside door of the grocery store, when my eyes have been off Elias’ face for about 30 seconds when someone stops me and says, “Um…he has blood all over him.”

I look down and Elias has blood coming out of his nose, and he’s smeared it all across his face and the sleeve of his arm…and more is coming.  Someone handed me a wad of tissues, and I got down and held his nose firmly to make the bleeding stop, which made him scream all the more.  Everyone is staring.  My bags drop and my little girl is squealing “hi!!” to everyone who is looking at us, and Elias is screaming, “stop!  ouch!  You’re hurting me!” as blood gets all over him and me.

Just another day as a mom.

I’m writing this so someday I can look back and read it, and laugh really hard.  Someday…