Mom Heart Day 1

This last weekend I went on my yearly retreat to a MomHeart Conference in Denver, and this time my mom came from Phoenix and roomed with me.  My mom is usually clobbered with people who love her in my home, so it was nice to have her all to myself.  We both arrived into Denver on Thursday afternoon, and spent the evening walking around a mall, and having long catch-up times over supper.  We went to bed on our lovely clean sheets in the hotel, and was ready for the wonderful day of the conference to await us the next day.  (I figured out the trick to sleeping in a hotel bed.  Basically put pillows everywhere, randomly under the sheets as though they just walked into the bed to snuggle near me.  Just like home.)

The day started with some personal devotions in my room.  I pulled out my Bible, with my little prayer index cards tucked in.  I then noticed a little note from my husband, tucked in-between my prayer cards and my Bible, and written on some scrap herbicide notepad, just telling me how excited he was that I was going to the conference.  He wrote about how I shouldn’t worry about the kids because he was so looking forward to spending this weekend with just he and them.  He wrote about how he thanked God for me, and lots of other sappy things.  Basically I was sitting on my bed, crying with this note in my hands.  This is my love language, and as painful as it is for him to write me letters like he did back when we were dating long distance, the gesture always goes so deep into my heart.  I carried that note in my back pocket through the whole conference and took it out and read it often like a lifeline.

After I pulled myself together, my mom and I headed for a tea, where a small group of small-group leaders got together for some encouragement.  I had made friends with some of these women online and in past conferences, and it’s always awkward when you meet someone in person that you have gotten to know online.  I love it, but it’s sort of surreal, as you study their face against your memory of their Facebook profile.

One of the women, when she heard my name just hugged me tight and said to me, “I have been praying for you!”  I had shared with her before how scared I was to leave my kids when I felt that they needed me so much right now, and I thought it would be so overwhelming for my husband, and Satan just loves to put fear in our hearts, especially when some good is before us.  After the tea we talked some more, and she just held my hands tight and prayed with me before we went our own ways again.

Just before the afternoon session, a different older mom who I had met at my first conference, and has even called me at home a few times the last couple of years when I have been royally discouraged, well she grabbed me quick and asked if I wanted a coffee or tea or something in the hotel Starbucks.  So I drank more, and we just chatted about life for awhile.  We talked about making that transfer with your kids where they lean on you so much, but getting them to transfer that dependence to the Holy Spirit for guidance.  It was such a deep and rewarding conversation.  I was so blessed, and very full of tea at that point, and the pregnancy lady I am, took several trips to the bathroom that day.

During the various sessions that went late into the night, I was struck by the theme of home and hospitality at this conference.  The author, Sally Clarkson was speaking on the Life-giving Home.

I had this moment of clarity during this time in regard to my oldest child, who has been struggling.  Like many oldest children, she takes on more responsibility than is required of her in her eagerness to please. Of course, she cannot handle all she takes on, and falls a lot, and has been in this discouraged funk for awhile now.  The drama of her little brother’s health this last year, combined with drama in her own life, combined with her desire to just make it better for everyone (which is not a magical power she was born with) just left her feeling incredibly stuck.  Then she just stops trying.  You know, I have NO IDEA where she got this tendency from.  (raising hand.)  I have been praying about it for awhile, and have yet to figure out a solution.  I have been growing more afraid as she is my “experiment child,” and I have been reacting to her discouragement and self-pity with anger and all the wrong mothering emotions.  This phase of parenting is scary, and I don’t know what’s a normal, passing phase and what is a genuine concern that I need to address and nip in the bud.  I feel all turned around.  My husband says that she and I have just been clashing so often that pretty soon one of us will have to give up trying to have the last word in every conversation.

My mom did suggest some months back that I find her a mentor, which I thought was a great idea.  My first mentor was probably one of my aunts, and she still mentors me today though not formally.  My aunt was always to get through to me like my mom couldn’t, even if they were saying the exact same thing.  My mom also found a mentor for me when I was in jr. high.  Her name was Kim, and she just poured love into me, and was my sounding board.  My high school mentor was Sherri, and then Rachel.  My mom set up the pattern for me right around adolescence to be surrounded by wise counsel, and make friendships with older women.  It is a habit I still crave and try to have as a constant in my life, though good mentors are sometimes hard to find.

So I found my daughter a mentor.  She’s a dear friend of mine, who is a foster mom to 1 little boy they are in the process of adopting.  Silje meets with her once a month.  I told my friend she is to keep Silje’s confidence completely, and only give me the heads up in a need-to-know situation, like she’s doing drugs or something (which I don’t foresee in the near future!)  I wanted Silje to feel free to vent about me, or process the stresses of our home life without fear of what I, or anyone else might think.  I knew that my dear friend would give her wise counsel and help her through these years alongside me.

They meet once a month, and my daughter looks forward to this time together, but she still has been struggling.

The best solution, I saw was to just keep talking to her, and coaching her.  I try to make time for her, and she soaks up all the time I give her.  But whatever time I give her it’s never enough.  She just needs so much from me at this age, and I feel myself coming up quiet inadequate to what I’d like to give her.  I keep hearing older moms say this is a stage of lots and lots and lots of long talks, and just letting them sort out what they believe and how to address situations.  But I have other kids who need me as well.  I have so many responsibilities.  I give her what I can, but the fact comes blaring back at me that I am not enough.  Her mentor wasn’t enough.  None of us are enough.

Plus these are grown up issues.  I can’t think of a woman I know who doesn’t deal with the struggle to please everyone, the struggle of taking too much upon herself, the struggle with inadequacy.  These struggles aren’t unique to my daughter.

So during these sessions, we were talking about the heart of hospitality, and the heart of making a home. We were hearing about how God makes a place of rest for us.  We heard about how Jesus practiced hospitality with his disciples, washing their feet, etc.  He saw real, tangible needs like people were hungry, and people were hurting, and people were thirsty.

I had this epiphany moment, where I realized that when I am stuck, when I am in this needy spot of just needing to unburden all these things that I take upon myself that I was never meant to carry, I started having my sanctuary time.  It’s my time of worship, just time with the Lord, time in Scriptures, time to journal.  Just time of quiet and silence.  It totally resets me and helps me maintain my focus on not what needs to be done, but what God has entrusted me for that day.

I realized in this epiphany moment, that I could show hospitality to my oldest daughter by providing her her own morning sanctuary time.  Psalm 23 ran through my head as I pondered this idea, and even  though that passage was not shared that evening, it gave me a wonderful, Biblical picture of how God shows hospitality to us.

We have family devotions every day after breakfast.  She spends time with the Lord up in her room when she’s overwhelmed with her day.  But what if she could sneak downstairs 30 minutes early in the morning, and spend some time reading the Bible and writing in a prayer journal without any of her siblings hanging on her, and just get some clarity?  Could I make this happen for her?

I will never be enough for her.  Her mentor will never be enough.  But God will always be enough.  I had this moment of hope when I realized that while I was finite, and limited, God is not.  I can give her time with God, and let her transfer that unburdening onto me to unburdening onto God as she enters this next phase of growing up, and her burdens become too heavy for even me to remove from her shoulders.

My mind is whirling on the logistical side of how to get her this quiet time without turning our whole family routine upside-down, or without her waking up everyone as she “sneaks” out of the room she shares with her sisters to the downstairs where we can light some candles and give her her own time at the feet of Jesus.

I think she will love this idea.  She loves time alone, and she loves time with God.  Having that access everyday, built right in?  I just need to ponder what it will take to make this happen every morning.  It won’t replace our long talks, which I assume will grow longer as she is growing older.  But it will fill the enormous gap that seems to be in my mothering trail: the gap of not enough time, spread thin, finite, sinful mom.  It will fill that with wisdom from the Holy Spirit through his Word, the Scriptures.

When I figure out the logistics, I’ll let you guys know how it works out…or how long.  But the idea has been planted into my head, and I am pretty sure it will not be uprooted very quickly.