When Everyone Is Crazy Needy

“I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”

-Bilbo Baggins, The Fellowship of the Ring.

Some days the needs just don’t let up.  The fights that have to be broken up, the tears flow from many eyes, food is late to the table, someone spills the milk on all the bread, it gets so loud, someone throws up, and everyone is eager to give their side of the story.

Whether I’m in the car, or at home, or around town, these moments just happen.  Everyone falls apart at the same time.  How do you address this?  I often do imperfectly.  Usually we are left with two options: walk through it gracefully, or just shut down with the kids.  As I have done both, let me tell you about the times I managed the former.

Put on music.

My mom told me that she learned in a daycare course she did that music effects kids in such a way that you can trigger switching gears, or change attitudes, sometimes by just consistently playing music.  I have found this to be so true, and when things start to fall apart (which it tends to do in a hurry) as long as no one in injured, I will put on some music before I break up a fight, or go calm a child down.  We love to listen to the Pandora app, and my kids’ favorite station for chore time is by far “The Muppet’s Station” on there.  When I feel I’m going to lose it, I will put on either classical, old jazz (think of Louis Armstrong…the good stuff) or Third Day radio or something along those lines.  When my kids are falling apart like an avalanche, I will put on Sing the Bible with Slugs and Bugs.  It’s the least annoying kids’ music I own, and it just puts words in my kids’ mouths that I want them singing.

Music is from the Divine.  I totally believe that.  Why do humans aspire to make music?  Why do we get so much enjoyment from it?  How is it necessary for our survival?  It is necessary.  I can’t explain it, but it is.  Put on some music.  The kids can’t fight music.  It’s much too powerful.

Lean hard on God.

 

The big trend right now is to pick one word for the New Year that will be your word.  It should sum up your attitude or goals, or feelings about the upcoming year.  I never have before, and I don’t feel like a fad-jumper, but there is one word that has been mulling around in my head the last few weeks:

Abide.

It goes back to last year sometime, when I was starting to get some traction in feeling better more often after my car accident a couple of years back.  That car accident, though not severe, left me in chronic pain.  I honestly fell apart for a few months and our lives shut down as I mentally could not handle they day in and day out hurt, and the fact that my family just didn’t seem to be able to understand I was hurting.  Life shut down for a long time at our house as I just lived through each day.  God very literally had to take over my life, from providing babysitters so I could go to the doctor, to helping me get through those long harvest nights when the kids were crabby and my husband had to work.  God just very practically took over.  I really had no choice but to rely on him.  It wasn’t an emotional decision, it was more a “I don’t care anymore about anything, and God you do it.”

God was very faithful to me.  He didn’t remove the hard times, but he was there with me when I was so low.  He never left me, even when I was angry with him.  He saw a path and a beauty that I could not see.

Anyway, a few months back, I was starting to just have some resemblance of life before the accident, and I remember in excitement praying, “You see God!  I’m getting better.  Don’t worry, soon I’m not going to need you as much as I have been.”

As soon as I thought that prayer, it hit me like an arrow in my heart.  Is that what I believed?  That pretty soon I wouldn’t need God?  That I’ve got this?

The verse about “I am the vine, you are the branches.  He who abides in me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me, you can do nothing” John 15:5 has stuck with me since then.  We don’t do anything for God, but we can do things in God.  It is utterly frustrating to do something for a God that needs nothing, but the sometimes horrifying fact of the matter is, God living in us is where the peace is.  It’s where the power is.  The branch connected to the trunk produces fruit.  The branch cut off and trying hard to produce something on his own is just kidding himself.  He’s just kindling.  It’s dead.

And yet, that’s what we try to do.  We think it’s honorable and righteous to do lots of good things and not be one of those needy branches who needs food and water and nourishment.  We are the culture that worships people who pull themselves up by their bootstraps and condemns those who are poor as lazy.  When my spirit is poor, I don’t feel lazy.  I feel exhausted.  I need God to move on.  The more I dwell on this thought, the more I live in the reality that I need God, the less I fight it.  Needing God doesn’t feel lazy to me anymore, it feels so insanely practical.  It’s like living in a daily miracle that I don’t have to manage.  Let’s not confuse humility that “I can’t do everything, and I am very needy” with laziness.

That’s been my word, my thought.  Abide.  My goal this year is to lean heavy on God…ridiculously heavy. Not so I can be lazy, but so I can actually do all those good things he has prepared for me to do.

When you feel like everyone is screaming and you are spinning your wheels, stop and abide.  Pray, either silently or out loud. Nothing fancy, but absolutely honest.  Ask God what he wants you to do in that moment of chaos.

Dig deep to find your peace.  

See, like Peter walking on the water towards Jesus, in the middle of the storm, fix your eyes on Jesus, and miracles start happening.  I know it’s cliche.  I don’t mean to be.  Sometimes as I’m going through the motions of motherhood, I imagine that I’m walking on water in the middle of a storm.  I keep looking for the face of Jesus.  People talk about finding your “center” as a way of maintaining peace and chaos.  That is what fixing your eyes on Jesus is like.  It’s like everything comes into focus.

The more unshakable your peace is, the more you will calm everyone down around you.  Either their chaos will bring you to chaos, or your peace will sink into them.

Get the kids in zones.  Divide and conquer. 

So your music is on.  You’re going through the motions, leaning on God, seeking his face in the storm.  Now divide and conquer.  Grab the littlest ones and hold them in your arms.  Give a job they can handle to each child, and put your arm around them, and tell them you need their help.  Or discipline the kids who need it.  Or send them to their room to cool off, if necessary.  (This happens with my older kids a lot these days.)  Or drop the chores and pull one or two on your lap and read a book.  Honestly, I used to think that being consistent meant to dish out the same punishment for each offense, to each kid, no matter the kid, no matter the reason, no matter what.

No.  One punishment for one kid would crush a different kid.  One kid is acting out of defiance and anger, the other out of helpless desperation, and still another is just hungry.  Knowing how to break up fights, how to teach obedience, and how to not just stop at the superficial level of obedience, but continue on past the level of obedience and reach their hearts…that takes wisdom.  That’s why leaning on God is so necessary.  That’s why dividing them up when things fall apart and put them in spots physical places for whatever they need at that moment is important.  Give them all a seat in your home, and address their individual need one at a time.

Separate the chaos, and give everyone a job, whether it be sweeping the kitchen floor, or reading to another child, or making some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, or just sitting on their bed.  They need some direction.  I find starting to give instruction from oldest to youngest is usually best, but sometimes I work from the loudest child to the quietest.  (The quietest usually ends up getting my lap and a snuggle.)

Have healthy boundaries, even with your kids.  

Crazy times are when I feel most attacked as a failure of a mother.  I think that if I were a better mom, my kids wouldn’t be like this.  I feel like if I were a better mom, I could meet all of my kids’ needs.  I feel like if I were a better mom, I could actually get through to them when they have poor attitudes.  I do work hard at getting to the heart of my kids, and to show them compassion when they are floundering and fighting.

Here’s the thing: if you could provide all of your children’s needs, they would never need God.  Someone told that to me once, and it has stuck with me in some very low times.  One friend once told me that as our kids grow older, we want them to start transitioning bringing all their troubles to you to bringing all their troubles to God.  This starts at our house around school age.  Sometimes my kids are just bubbling over with troubles, and they are overwhelmed, tired, and they see no solution.

I’ve started to say something like, “Oh, I’ve been there.  Do know what I have found works best when I have been in your shoes?  I talk to God about it.  He has walked me through a ton of situations like that.  You look so overwhelmed, let’s do something special.  I’ll take care of the little ones down here, and you go up to your room, where it’s nice and quiet, and no one will bother you, and you tell God everything that is on your heart: both the good and the bad.  Tell him all your feelings and what really happened. (And remember he already knows the truth so there’s no point to lying.)  He understands.  He wants to walk with you through this, and you will feel so much better.”

My older 3 kids have already gotten to the point of asking, “Mom, I’m just really overwhelmed right now. Can I just go up and talk to God for a little bit?”  They come downstairs with completely different attitudes, like someone comforted them in a way I’m incapable of doing.

I can’t fix everything.  I just can’t.  It’s unfair to say that I am responsible for my feelings and emotions, and all the feelings and emotions of my kids.  Nope.  They are responsible for theirs.  They will fail at that, and that’s where showing them what a relationship with God looks like comes in.  I’ve learned to stop trying to be their savior, and start showing them who the Savior is.

Don’t be afraid to cut 

Life just is busy.  Sometimes we have no control over that.  Sometimes we rush.  Sometimes we have things to do.  I have started to say, “I don’t want you to rush I want you to focus!” to my kids.  I wonder sometimes if God is trying to say the same thing to me.  If you find yourself not able to handle your kids because you are doing laundry constantly, then get rid of some clothes.  If you are too busy cleaning toys, give a bunch away.  If you are never at home to have meals, then start saying no and staying home.  As mothers we need to be very cautious of overloading our kids’ lives to the point of making them feel lost in it all.  While many of these situations are unavoidable, many are.

I have taken great rest in the idea that God has already prepared good things for me to do.  He already knows what I need to get done each day.  If I constantly feel myself like I’m not getting everything done, and everything around me is constantly falling apart, I have to at some point stop and ask “what am I trying to get done that God never intended me to do?”  It may be something good.  (It usually is.)  But maybe that good thing was intended for someone else, and is only bringing stress to your family.