Break in the Clouds

This last week was really hard.  I crashed and burned a bit.  Okay, a lot.  This winter was so long and so cold.  So many of the kids’ weekly activities just finished for the year, which is usually a big sigh and then crash.  I was dealing with some cyst/health issues on top of that.  All of our usual babysitters, including Grandma had been busy or sick for at least a month so there just hasn’t been many breaks.  On top of that Ingrid had about a 2 or 3 week stretch (I stopped keeping track) of getting up every 2 hours at night again.  We couldn’t figure out why.  Then Knut made some thoughtless comments, and then the rain came…literally.  The skies got gray, the air got colder, the sun left, the kids were stuck inside, and I spent a whole day on the couch.

I just couldn’t deal with it all.  I just shut down.

I don’t do that often.  I did it a lot after my car accident, but I thought I was past this darkness, but I guess I wasn’t.

Thankfully Knut was home from the farm due to the rain, and took over a bit the next day.  He allowed me time, and I got to fill my stomach with nourishing foods, and I got to exercise, which is always a huge help.  It took a few days of prioritizing self-care, to get my mind on straight again.  Ingrid even cooperated and started sleeping at night again later in the week.  I’m very grateful for that.

I hate the darkness.  I hate it.  It makes me want to pray for, and reach out and hug my dear friends who live with that depression day in and day out.  It’s suffocating.

I think one of the hardest parts of being a mom is balancing taking care of others and taking care of yourself.  You’d think that’s a simple line to draw, but it never is.

On Saturday I was feeling a bit more myself.  Shaky, but at least more steady.  Knut took a few of the kids to the farm’s workshop to work on a “secret” Mother’s Day present for me in the morning.

They got back home just before lunch.  I saw on Facebook that morning that one of my friends was having a jewelry party at a coffee shop in town, selling jewelry made from women in Uganda paid with fair wages.  I asked if it was okay if I ran into town to do some shopping by myself.  Knowing my fragile state, and seeing the sunny day, he told me to go and have fun.

So I got to stop by a few places in town.  I ordered a pretty beaded bracelet at the party.  I got to talk for awhile with my friend there, which was so good for the soul.  I picked up some deals at thrift shops/antique stores that had some sales, particularly items for my newly painted kitchen.

Mostly I just breathed in the warm air, stood in the sunshine, talked with my friends about deep things, since we’re all awkwardly bad at small talk.

So I also came home this rubber spatula I saw at the Nordic Galleri with a design of a knitted sweater!  Getting this was a no-brainer.  In fact the owner of the store is a great knitter herself and I’ve met this sweet woman a few times.  She probably brought this back from Norway thinking, “Hmmm…Gretchen will buy this.”  It’s really a conspiracy.  Plus they were handing out heart shaped pieces of homemade waffles with lingonberry jelly at the check out.  It’s sort of my happy place.  I asked the lady working there what spice I was tasting in the waffles that was so delicious.  She said it was cardamom.  I’m so doing that next time I make waffles…with my Norwegian-sweater-spatula of course.

(picture taken by one of the kids)

I also knit a lot over the weekend.  Some people jog for clarity.  I knit.  One of my friends gave me this verse, that I’ve been saying to myself as I’ve been knitting:

“My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.”  Psalm 62:1-2.

It was very healing.  I’ve been diving into the subject of “God is our rest” for the past months.  I can’t think of a more practical time when that concept has hit home for me.