Silje is turning 9 years old this month. I have no idea where the time went. Not a clue.
Everything is new for this girl. I’m so very, very proud of her, but in the same sense, I’m feeling a lot of her growing pains right now. I’ve had these thoughts going through my mind quite a bit lately, and I hesitate sharing because I want everything I write on here to be non-tramatizing for my kids someday. I want them to see what I struggle with, and yet never feel like they were a burden to me. It’s a fine line to walk.
I has been hard lately with Silje. I’m finally feeling free to write about it, because I’m realizing my struggle is not in fact with her. It’s with me, and my sin issues. It’s about me and my lacking. I struggle knowing how to be her mom.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
I want so badly for her to be her own person, and know her own thoughts. I see some of her struggles, and I just can’t take them from her. I can’t do it for her. I can’t think for her. I have to sit back and watch her find her way. It’s hard. I don’t know when to step in, and when to step back. Either way, it feels wrong.
She’s so different from me. She’s a first born, and I’m a baby. Everything for her is precision, and orderly. Everything with me is make-do, and make-it-work. We clash a lot on this. It drives me nuts sometimes. Like, when I dropped her off at her 30 minute long piano lessons the other day. I dropped her off 10 minutes early. I told her before she went it, “Now Silje, she’s in the middle of her lesson with the kid before you, so be quiet when you enter and just read a book until it’s your turn.”
“Actually Mommy, the middle of the lesson was exactly 5 minutes ago. That is wrong. It is now near the end of the lesson before me. But yes, I brought a book.”
It drives. me. nuts. The constant correction, the need to be exact.
I like things natural, peaceful, and vintage looking. She likes things florescent and sparkly. Do you know how much it kills me that I have this beautiful girl who I want to design clothes for, and she absolutely hates my style and won’t wear it? Well, I’ve made her wear some things, but she does it in tears or extensive bribery. I’ve made her things in her style, but I feel like I can’t put even a drop of “me” into it. If it even has a hint of my style, she will point out that it would have been perfect if it weren’t for that.
The other kids, I can just make them a birthday cake. Throw some candles on and call it good. For Silje, she feels the need to pick out the exact recipe, and tell me how to decorate it, and plan the whole thing herself. She will spend days agonizing over which flavor to have as the filling of the cake. I keep telling her, it’s not her decision. I’m actually the one making the cake. I’m the mom. She lives to plan things. She loves to plan things. It’s her gifting for sure.
Honestly, it hurts my feelings. I’ll admit I’m petty. It’s like she wants none of “me” in any of her birthday, or her crafting or her style. If it’s my idea, it’s no good. I get that she wants to be her own person. I want her to be her own person. I struggle knowing where to push myself in, and where to step back and let her be.
For now, I’m choosing the battles of confronting eye rolls, and dealing with this brand new attitude that seems to have creeped up these last few months. The style and interests don’t bother me. She can have those, even though they are not mine. Respect and kindness are non-negotables for standards in this house.
We’ve really made some progress there. There’s a flip side to this over-thinking, too. She’s an amazing kid. She thinks about everything. Do you know we were at Target the other day, picking out a new swimsuit for her this year? We looked at all of them, and she didn’t like one. I had her try a few on, and then we even went to a different store too. Finally I asked her what she wanted and she said, “Mommy, it’s just, I don’t feel comfortable in any of these styles. If it were up to me, I’d just get one of those swimsuits where it’s a shirt on top and shorts on bottom. It just feels more, I don’t know, modest I guess. I just feel too exposed in these ones.”
So I spent the money, and bought her a modest suit set online that she picked out. I’ll spend the extra money if her desire is to be modest. How awesome is that? That idea came from her, not me. I’m really proud of that. Really, she’s an awesome kid.
I just wish she would let me pull her hair out of her face more, and I wish she would smile for pictures instead of glaring, and I wish she would remember that it drives me nuts when she hums at the table, and I wish she wouldn’t treat her brother who is 15 months younger than her like he’s a baby.
I know I’m crazy lucky to be her mom. I’m in awe of this little woman that God is growing. I just wish she would let me in more. I wish she would be more like me, and in other ways, less like me.
I wish I had more control.
I wish I could let go easier.
I wish it didn’t hurt so bad to do that.
I wish I weren’t so scared all the time that I’m really screwing her up.
I wish she couldn’t manipulate me as well as she can.
What can I do but just continually ask God for guidance, and pray for her? What can I do but just take one step at a time, day in and day out? I just keep talking with her, keep disciplining her, keep explaining things to her, and keep encouraging her to seek the Lord in all things, and embrace all that he has made her to be and gifted her to do.
I am so lucky that I get to be her mom, and I’m so very glad that she’s ultimately in God’s hands, not mine. I see the normal, but deep struggles ahead of her, and ones that are already beginning. I want so badly to shield her from that journey of the growing pains of life, but I just can’t. Pray for us folks.
There’s only one way in this life: forward.
MrsDG@TalesFromHomemadeHouse says
June 11, 2013 at 4:50 pmI’ve been reading your blog for a while now (I really enjoy it) but I don’t usually comment on blogs I read that much…but you just described my eldest. I have four children and as I was reading you could have been writing about my son. Sometimes it’s just so good to know you’re not the only one. 🙂
Anonymous says
June 11, 2013 at 5:50 pmMy daughter is my polar opposite, once I figured this out (she was 8) my life become so much better. Things she did finally made sense to me.
You shouldn’t expect her to be like you. lighten up. give her a safe home, love and freedom to develop who she is and the rest will come. Take pride in her individuallity.
Marilyn says
June 11, 2013 at 7:33 pmThe “teen years” seem to be starting earlier and earlier. So, welcome to the teen years. You will regain your intelligence, in her eyes, about the time she is done with college.
Mom says
June 11, 2013 at 7:33 pmI agree 100%. Also, sometimes the trick is in how you communicate. I have had to learn three different communication styles, one for each of my kids.
You, being as intuitive as you are, will find a way to make this happen. Also, find a humorous and witty way to subtly point out where they may be taking things too far.
You do have a gifted daughter who is a perfectionist in many ways. Sometimes perfectionists struggle with giving grace both to themselves and to others. Their expectations are that everyone, including themselves, should do.it.right the first time! I think it is no accident that Grace is her middle name. This is an attribute that God wants to work on in her life.
Thanks for sharing. We always and will continue to always pray for her daily.
Anonymous says
June 11, 2013 at 8:39 pmThis really ruffled my feathers. I am the daughter that always pushed back, always rolled her eyes. Now I’m grown and not very close to my mother. My issue with this is that the reason I’m not close with my mom is because it was ALWAYS about her. It was always that I wasn’t doing what SHE thought was best. She never gave me a compass to base things off of like the Bible, instead of just her. “Don’t do this because it is wrong, sinful, disrespectful, etc….” I never got that. It was always, “Don’t do this because it makes me angry.” Your children innately know that no matter what they do, you will love them unconditionally. They should also know that the Lord loves them in this same way but that there are ramifications for our sin. Jesus died to save your daughter from her eyerolling attitude. Does she understand that? Does she realize that we are called to behave in a certain way as glorification to God?
Be careful to not make this entirely about you and how you feel and also not entirely your fault. Yes, part of it is emotions and our sin nature, and those shouldn’t “drive the train” per se. But there are many ways she can bloom and grow into her own person completely different from you and do it in a respectful and kind manner.
Perhaps this is a life lesson to teach her that there is a line between being right and being rude. Sometimes it is best to keep comments to one’s self.
I understand, because of the journal nature of this blog, if you do not want to save this comment but I want to encourage you that while we are all imperfect messes, trying to get by, give yourself a wee bit of credit. Let her personality be what it is but there is nothing wrong with nipping the attitude. You’re doing her no favors by not. She is going to have to interact with a whole world full of people just like YOU – she’s got 11 more years to figure out how to do it well and gracefully.
Stay strong! I will pray for your to have strength, wisdom and the Spirit’s great guidance.
Gretchen R says
June 11, 2013 at 8:52 pmAnonymous, THANK YOU for posting! I’m sorry to have ruffled your feathers, because I feel as though you misunderstood me, but in the end, I think we’re on the same page. I gave such limited information on this post because a) I don’t want to cross the line to complaining about my daughter so publicly and b) as you said, this journal is a way for me process what God is working in me.
You’re absolutely right that she has sin, and it needs to be dealt with. I think that’s the line that I’m drawing. I think as emotions sometimes go crazy in both of us, I try to do what my mom did with me, and continue to direct her to her Savior. I can discipline her all I want, and I can make many rules, but I can’t deal with the core sin issue. Only God can do that. Likewise, I’m responsible to bring my sin to the Lord too, and not blame her for my emotions.
In our home, I try not to make it all about me, because…well it’s not. It’s all about my family, and even more focused, about Christ in our family. On the blog, I try not to make it all about my kids. It’s what God is teaching me, what I’m doing creatively, how I’m processing things. The kids are so woven into my life that it cannot, and will not be avoided. I don’t ever want to cross that line to exploit them in any way. If it ever seems all about me on this blog, it’s because it’s the only place that is. 🙂
Please never, ever feel bad about encouraging me in the way you did. I value friends who speak their mind in love like that.
Anonymous says
June 12, 2013 at 1:59 pmI’m glad for your response! I think when I said it ruffled my feathers I meant that it made me think outside of my comfort zone and that is a good thing! I was praying for you last night and was worried that I misspoke. Ephesians 6:4 came to my mind and I was thinking about how once, I heard a sermon on the context of that verse and how it may be the case that if we do not bring our children up in the training of the Lord, THEN we are provoking/embittering them to a life lived in anger without the Lord. Anyhow – I’m glad my comments did what they were supposed to do! Keep knitting beautiful things and leaning on the Lord for your understanding.
Lisa Joy says
June 15, 2013 at 2:43 pmGretchen, you have pretty much exactly described my world. 🙂 I will definitely pray for you, dear friend, and please pray for me, too. 🙂