Adjusting

I’m sorry for the lack of fun pictures in the last few posts.  As I alluded to yesterday, I’ve been procrastinating in many areas, including taking pictures.

In all honesty, I’m in a funk.  Whether it’s things piling up on me that I’ve been ignoring, or my hormones adjusting once again, or a hint of postpartum depression, I don’t know.  I’ve lived through depression before, and I don’t think this is it, but it could be if I don’t start taking care of things.

It hasn’t ever gotten to the point of taking anti-depressants before.  It’s not that I’m against them as a whole.  I know they have helped many people.

I have reservations about anti-depressant for me for 2 reasons: 1) medication of any kind seems to effect me to the extreme.  I tend to get all possible side effects.  I don’t know if it’s because I’m small, or what.  From many experiences, I’ve learned to take medications very, very cautiously as they have not always made things better.  2) The one time (back in the big city) when I discussed with my doctor the funk I was in, he whipped out his prescription pad and wrote me a brain chemistry altering medication faster then I could explain all that was the matter.  There were no tests to see if I was vitamin D deficient, if I had thyroid issues, if I was getting enough nutrition and exercise.  I was a bit uncomfortable with that.  If it got to the point of medication, I’d go there.  I’m not convinced that should be my first move without ruling out some other things.

I’m glad Knut is home more often because he’s really the key to getting me back on track.  We found a system a few kids ago that seems to work for us.  He’s learned the hard way that saying “try harder” isn’t very helpful.  We normally tackle my slumps as a team, as I’d like to think I help pick him up when he’s down as well.  His job is simple: make sure I’m eating enough, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, and getting outside at least once a day.  Once I’m pulled out, I can manage these things on my own again.  For awhile at least, Knut will need to boss me around/baby me a bit.

Well, I’ve just recently admitted to him that I’m really not right and can’t stand the thought of it getting worse. I’ve been “worse” before and it scares me.  He’s already started pushing the vegis and supplements.  Honestly, someone handing me my vitamin every day picks me up more than you’d think.  Eating vegetables and fruit takes more thought now that the garden is done.  He’s been waking with the early risers in the house and letting me sleep in.

There’s also some unwritten things on my mind.  Living so far from my family makes some situations hard.

Weaning Solveig is also on my mind.  She’s 11 months old, and I’m assessing whether or not I should wean her soon.  Here’s my nursing history for those dying to know:
Silje: breastfed for 5 months.  I got a severe case of the stomach flu, got dehydrated, and could not get my milk supply up after that.  I remember feeling like such a failure having to rely on formula, which in hindsight was silly.  She was so fat, so healthy, and no one doubts her intellect.

David: 12 months-ish.  His last feeding was a week or 2 after he turned 1.  I was at the point in my parenting journey where nursing him longer than that felt “weird.”

Elias: 11 months.  I intended to feed him longer (I was open to 18 months at that point) but he had a biting issue I couldn’t resolve.  As my lactation consultant friends says “He has bad table manners.”  I weaned him a month earlier than my goal and have no regrets.

Solveig: I’m still open to the 18 month range.  However, I do not think that will be the best thing for our family.  Knut and I want to take some time this winter for just the 2 of us.  It is much overdue, and I do not want to bring Solveig along.  She is probably the best nurser that I’ve fed from the very beginning.  Although she’s starting to try some gymnastic feats while nursing, she really is a joy the vast majority of the time.  I feed on demand, and she still nurses a lot.  She eats solids a lot too and drinks from a cup, but she’s showing no sign of wanting to give me up.

Weaning was easy (and sometimes accidental) with my other kids, but I’m nervous that will not be the case with Solveig.  It’s still awhile off.  On the other hand, Knut and I don’t get away that often.  We could really use this time to regroup, and I think that a parent unit (marriage) in sync and on the same page is more valuable to my kids than extended nursing.  I want them both, but their priorities are not the same in my mind.

I used to think “ick” with extended nursing, and that somehow it was a sign of lack of boundaries with the parent and child.  However, now that I’ve seen friends and some extended family who have perfectly normal relationships with their adult children, I see that I’ve been wrong.  I have been a mother long enough to realize that kids turn out fine whether they’ve been nursed for 2 years, or 5 months…or only on formula.  The question that is now important is not what other people think I should do, what some study says I should do, or what any experts say.

What matters is what Knut and I believe is best for our family given the information that only we have.  Isn’t it clever how God gives authority to make these decisions to the people who have the most information about the situation?  However, what I want, and what I believe our family needs, are not always the same thing.  That is a really tough part of being a parent.  Nursing my baby is a good thing.  Ignoring my husband for a non-necessity for one of my kids is not only bad for my husband, it’s bad for my kids.

The only place I’ve gotten with this whole debate in my head, and talking it out with Knut is I won’t start trying to wean at least until after Christmas.  There’s no point in taking away breastfeeding during the stress of the holidays.  I keep reminding myself that maybe then it will be easier.  I’ve always stressed at this point unnecessarily as the kids have given me up easier than I anticipated.

Maybe by then I’ll have come up with a plan that I’m satisfied with, because there isn’t one settled in my brain yet.  Maybe by then I’ll have adjusted to the idea.  Maybe then my brain will be working better anyway.