Making Peace

This isn’t directed towards mothers, but parents in general.  I know it’s something that Knut and I both deal with, and talking with other parents, I know we are not the only ones.

2 years ago when Knut did the Birkie for the first time, I was burnt out.  He was out skiing every free moment.  When he signed up for another race last minute that same season, I nearly lost it.  After it was all said and done, I told him that while the kids are little, we as a family cannot handle him doing more than one race a year.  It just put too much work on me and I was buckling under it.  This was supposed to be our season with him.

So the next year, he just stayed with the one race.  You could tell that his heart was pulled towards more, and he knew that he could do more.  It was like he was just catching his stride in the sport and had to stop short.

He hasn’t given up on me yet, though.  After presenting me with multiple race opportunities this winter, I was sticking to my guns with the 1 race limit.  This year, he presented the idea of Silje and David participating in the youth races before the big races.  He talked me into one more race because I thought Silje and David would have a blast competing for the first time.

These last 2 weeks, I’ve been going through the same thing as Knut.  I didn’t realize that we were dealing with the same struggle, but we were.  I was knitting while we were hanging out at night and watching some t.v.  After our show ended, Knut asked how my design was going.  I talked about it, although I think he zoned out a bit.  I did say: “I wish I had more time to devote to this.  I’m knitting as fast as I can, but there’s so many designs in my head, and if I totally devoted myself to this, I think I could really be good.  I wish…”

“I completely understand.”  He said.  He does.  “If I could completely devote myself…I could be really good at something.”

He reminded me that I would miss my life.  He said that when I don’t have a little munchkin crawling after me, pulling up on me and biting my calf (that’s her new thing…biting.  She bit my calf hard the other day) I’ll miss it.  There’s nothing more important, he said.  It was the same pep talk I had given him only days earlier.

We’ll miss the noise, the mess, and the activity.  We’ll miss the cuddles, the non-stop questions.  I don’t think either Knut or I would wish that this phase of our life would be over sooner.  If anything, we want to stretch it out.

However, just like every other parent out there,
it’s easy to count the years in your head until you get your life back.
It’s easy to think about the great uses for your child’s bedroom for when they have left the house.

I’ve had people refer to me as unemployed, and have even heard through the grapevine that it’s a pity my college degree is going to waste.  There’s not much glamor, nor many awards, office parties, or pay increases in motherhood.  That drive that is in all of us can easily get off track as a parent.  On one side it’s bad to funnel that drive into our children to have them fulfill our dreams, since they obviously have nothing better to do, and on another side it’s wrong to neglect the family for personal gain.

Being a parent is a huge sacrifice.  It’s so hard some days, not because you can’t figure it out, but because you have to sacrifice not just “fun stuff” but your own potential and delay in some dreams fulfilled.

So here are some things that I’ve found help me make peace with being a parent.  I don’t need this all the time.  Some days I’m loving every moment.  Other days, I feel like no one understands what I could accomplish if they weren’t in my way.  Sacrificing potential is so heart-wrenching.

Tips to Making Peace with Being a Parent:
-Be kingdom focused.  It’s easy to say “be present to the moment” but sometimes that moment involves menial tasks that involve the same book over and over, or multiple forms of bodily fluid.  It is not brain stimulating.  Focus on heaven.  Focus on pouring grace into your children.  Make sure that if they don’t understand God’s grace, it’s not for lack of teaching.  Fuse it into everything.  It’s building God’s kingdom and that holds the weight of significance.  Taking time to recognize the significance of our work helps during the menial times.  Of course it’s all God’s work.  BUT He’s letting us be a part of it.  That is His gift to us.  Never turn your back on being apart of what God is doing.  I can’t think of any greater void than passing up an invitation like that.

-Don’t lose sight of the value of your children.  I found this article to really help me refocus in this area.  Look at how God sees your children.  What value does He place on them?  When our hearts are in the same line as God’s it’s so much easier.  The burden is lifted, and there is joy.  The world is telling us that there are better things we should be doing.  That is not from God.

-On a more physical, and less philosophical sense, change your scenery.  Get out of the house and do stuff with your kids.  I’m not saying sign them up for 50 activities.  I think that everyone going in their own direction actually makes it harder.  I’m saying take them to the park.  Bring them apple picking.  Change up the location of where you parent.  It shaves a bit of the menial tasks off.

-Give way to silliness.  When I’m feeling like I’m losing myself, I find that I either fall into losing my temper, or my order.  If I let go of the order and get silly with my kids: silly suppers, silly outings, silly games…the laughter fills those longings for something else.  Fill the home with laughter.  This is something I’m really trying to work on.

-Focus on creating beauty rather than cleaning up.  This has been a trick of the brain for me that sometimes works.  It is so much easier to motivate myself to make something beautiful than to simply clean it up.  For instance, you could clear the table.  Or, you could plan a centerpiece for it, as simple as a garden flower in a vase.  I’ll clear off the dishes and wipe down a table with so much more joy when there is something pretty going there.  I’ve learned that I get to work faster if I set my mind on making something pretty rather than making something clean.  Hmm…how can I make this cluttered countertop look pretty?  I don’t know.  Sounds silly, but works for me.  I saw at one of my friends’ house the other day that she has her children’s books organized on the bookshelf by color.  All the books with red spines faded into the books with orange spines…and on down the rainbow order.  The effect on the wall was stunning.  

Now, I don’t rainbow order my books, nor am saying you must.  What I am saying is that there is beauty to be found and created.  Finding that beauty helps with the menial jobs that tend to follow children and manage a family.

-Lastly, don’t feel like you have to give up everything.  I may not be able to knit all day long, but I can after the kids are in bed every few nights.  I may not have a published book, but I can write a little bit everyday on this blog.  Knut may not be able to be in a race every weekend there is snow on the ground, but he can still ski.  He may not be able to read as much as he would like, but that doesn’t mean he gives up reading altogether.  Parenthood isn’t a complete cut off of yourself.  Finding that line is so difficult, but don’t be scared to search for it. 

Do you struggle with making peace as a parent?  What is the hardest sacrifice?  No one questions whether or not it is worth it, but how do you get through it?