lI don’t know if the struggle I want to address today is related to homeschooling, or just parenting in general. I’m sure all mothers, homeschooling ones or not, could relate. With both Silje and David, I find myself constantly questioning, and constantly wondering how hard I should push them to do things.
For instance Silje has been working on memorizing a poem for a spring recital. She was so excited at first, but now it’s becoming a chore. She’s getting the lines confused and she skips big chunks. Now when I tell her it’s time to work on her poem, she comes to me 30 seconds later, saying she’s done. And she’s totally not done.
So I’ve started to set the timer for 15 minutes where she has to work on memorizing the thing. It has become torture some days for her. Part of me wonders if it’s worth the battle. Part of me is sure it is. Another part of me wonders if I am killing her love for poetry 15 minutes at a time.
You see, in our culture, we want our kids to want to learn. We want them to enjoy every minute of it. We think, and I’m sure there are studies to back it up, that when you enjoy something, you learn it better. So the purpose is to make it fun.
We get the Wall Street Journal at our house, and recently I read an article that apparently has caused quite a debate among mothers. It’s titled: “Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.” To me, the article is one part inspiring, and one part downright disturbing. The idea that the author is trying to convey is that learning doesn’t have to be fun. In fact, the fun part often doesn’t come until the work has been done. For instance, the piano. Playing the piano really gets fun when you get good at it. You don’t get good at it without practicing, and practicing isn’t always fun. She says that Western mothers worry about their child’s psyche. Chinese mothers don’t. Chinese mothers expect their child to be great, and think that Western mothers are content with failure, if that’s what their child wants. They think Western mothers don’t believe in their children enough. I suppose one could ask what is considered success and what is considered failure. That is often in the eyes of the beholder.
Even with Solveig, I find myself doubting how much to push. Should I let her fuss a few minutes longer before picking her up, or will that make her feel scared and unloved? Should I lay her down more often so that I can get a few more things done, or should I hold her because she won’t stay little for much longer and it’s good for “bonding.” Apparently, Chinese mothers don’t worry about damaging their child, which might be both a blessing and a curse.
I struggle with knowing when I should push through the tears and the pleas and push them onto the greatness I know they are capable of, and when to shrug and say “they’ll get it in their own time.” Seriously, I think this is a daily–no at least hourly battle within myself. Each circumstance, each child, each age/stage is so different. It’s so difficult to know when to dig my heels in, and when to stand back and watch their learning unfold.
The verse: “Train up a child the way he should go…” is not as easy as I would wish. One thing I do fear, is raising my kids to be quitters when things get tough. To turn and run, and do something that’s easier. Yes, I want them to love learning, and not hate their lessons. However, I find that I have to assess the goal of teaching them. Is the goal of teaching them at home to make it more fun? While fun is a good thing, not evil, I don’t think it should be elevated as the goal. Maybe it’s just a bonus.
I keep hoping, that when Silje gets up in front of people to recite this poem, she’ll do it without hiccup, and with much drama and enthusiasm. I don’t think that can come until she puts in the sweat of memorizing each word. I’m finding that the facts they are learning aren’t as important to me as learning how to learn. Learning to study, and have a disciplined life. That’s the way a child should go. Or is that teaching them not to rely on the grace God has bestowed on us? When is the time for law, and when is the time for gospel, and how do they mingle in a godly household?
I don’t think it’s a matter of homeschooling, but a matter of motherhood that you doubt nearly every choice you make for your children. I wonder if motherhood was always like this, or did it just become that way when psychologists started writing parenting books and the number of choices that a mother has to make multiplied exponentially.
If you get a chance to read the article by following the above link, I’d love to hear my reader’s thoughts on this controversial article too!
Shelley L. Snyder says
January 28, 2011 at 1:38 pmHi! Thanks for your comment on my blog.
I’m not a mother, but I am a supply teacher (working towards getting my own class and not just being a supply/substitute). I have to wonder if you could make the memorizing into some sort of game or something, that might help her enjoy it.
For instance, you could print the words or lines of the poem on separate pieces of paper, or index cards, and mix them up. Have her put them in the right order. Maybe make a chart where she gets a certain amount of points for getting it in the right order in a certain amount of tries (for example, 3 points on the first try, 2 on the second, 1 for the 3rd try, etc.). When she gets up to a grand total of points in a week (or designated amount of time), she could get a little prize – a cool pencil, a pretty hairband, her choice of what to watch on TV at a specific time, her choice of what to have for supper, etc.
Penny says
January 28, 2011 at 4:22 pmIt’s definitely a motherhood thing. I’ve heard a lot about this article too, but have made a concious decision not to read the woman’s book, because I don’t believe in her methods. That being said, you’re right, it does bring up valid points about fun vs needing to do it, and I’m struggling with the same issues myself. When you figure out the balance, please let me know!
Anonymous says
January 28, 2011 at 4:44 pmGretchen, great post!
I have read the article. I found it resonated with me on some levels as a mom and on other levels not so much. I think being Chinese in a Western culture is difficult and from our Western eyes it is very hard to understand all of her reasonings. However, I do believe we need to have balance in our lives and with our child. Showing grace,love and acceptance regardless of performance or grades.
I agree it is so hard to know when to push and when to let go and how to do it. This year in hsing I have pushed my daughter many, many times and been very honest about some of the quality of work she gives me. I do expect more from her because I know she is capable. I don’t sugar coat it, I tell her, her work stinks and needs improvement. She has meet the challenge head on and doing so well! Our oldest son(13yrs) wanted to play hockey. He earned all the money to pay for his equipment($800plus) through hard work. He is responsible for all the fire wood, splitting, stacking, and bringing it in the house. Also, he is responsible for all the shoveling after each snowfall. Cruel some may say, but I say no, he is learning valuable lessons in work ethic and what it means to put time into something. Do I get mad at him b/c he isn’t the best player on the team, no. My youngest has Asperger’s and some things are very difficult for him. He participates in all sporting events at school and outside of school. He is not athletic or graceful, but he keeps trying. To me this is greater than being number one or the best at something. It is developing great character traits in him that he will need for the future. The Western mother in me, see the value in my kids for who they are, not what they do or how good I look b/c they are great at something. This is a huge difference from the Chinese Mother article.
Each family is different and each child in that family is different. From what I can tell you are doing a great job with grace, love and disciple. Your children are learning so many lessons by living in the country and on a farm. They will learn just from you and you are right not everything in life is fun, but that is okay. I’m sure Silje will learn her poem and she’ll do great reciting it. Could you allow her to take a break, than go back to it? Keep up the great work!
Kelly
Mom says
January 28, 2011 at 7:54 pmI have to resonate on the last comment that you ARE a very good mother. I also like the idea that Shelley mentions above.
Your struggles are common to all mothers who truly care about the success of their children on all fronts. I think the thing that helped me the most was some advice I got from a mentor, “Remember, your job as a parent is to work your way out of a job. The end result should be a well-functioning, well-rounded adult.” Reality discipline helped me to realize that if kids need to be prepared to face the outside world one day, what are some disciplines they can learn?
Perseverence is certainly a quality and a discipline worth teaching. I think the breakthrough may come when Silje see the results of her hard work at the Spring Recital. Silje is definitely motivated and likes to do things well. She would have the tendency to be embarrassed if she performed below her own standard.
Go with your gut, Gretchen. You have a lot of common sense! I know your kids will do well. Parenting is not for cowards, that’s for sure! It’s hard work, but you are definitely on the right track.
Carol says
January 28, 2011 at 8:52 pmI think this is mostly a motherhood question. We unschooled (my kids are now adults, and my daughter is unschooling her girls), so I know where you are coming from. Your daughter is only 6. There is lots of time yet. If this is something she wanted to do, with a little encouragement, she will do it and do it well I have no doubt. Maybe it’s time to have a mock presentation, a “dress rehearsal” if you will. Could you tape her reciting her poem and let the natural feedback that would provide give her the information she needs to make her own decision about practice?
I truly believe that children are born with a desire to learn and our job is to support that. Honest feedback is important, but learning how to learn will serve them for the rest of their lives.
Lisa says
January 28, 2011 at 11:02 pmHere’s a different look at the article and what it was supposedly trying to communicate:
http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2011/01/why_chinese_mothers_are_not_su.html
I actually read that blog post before the article and thought it was an interesting look at it. I have no idea what I think of the article.
All your questions I’ve asked myself as a mother and I’m sure you’ve come farther than me in reaching a balanced answer.
KnitterMama says
January 29, 2011 at 1:50 amOh we are going to be starting on our homeschool journey next year and I worry about exactly the things that you speak of… Like you, I struggle with it as a mother and I am sure that I will struggle with it as a mother/teacher.
Anonymous says
January 29, 2011 at 3:35 amAs thought provoking and interesting as your writings/blogs are, I must ask. Is it possible to think too much?
Anonymous says
January 30, 2011 at 4:25 amI’ll try to be subtle about this. Since you are blessed with common sense and Godly characteristics in your lives and home, stop reading articles about how you should be parenting.
If you take that one as a source of instruction, what about the next one? And the next one? And the next one? (There are lots of them.)
Seriously. Have you ever heard the phrase “paralysis of analysis”?
I’m sorry that the “Chinese parenting lesson” ever got published. It’s gotten way more attention and wasted way more time than it’s worth. (She said subtly)
Sorry if I wasn’t subtle enough…been feeling rotten all week, tired of being cooped up by winter, read 10 chapters of Jeremiah today and meditated for some time on Ch 31….good stuff there in Jeremiah.
(For those of you who don’t know me….I’m really quite harmless…and forgiven….)
Loving you! Sharon
Anonymous says
January 31, 2011 at 12:14 amI just came back to put some smileys in….maybe with an exclamation point or two !! 🙂 🙂
🙂 🙂
You may have discerned that I get frustrated with the overload of information that is endlessly dumped on young parents such as yourselves, who are doing a magnificent job of loving and training your children….you may have discerned that:) ! But I should have included a smiley or two 🙂 🙂 🙂
Still loving you, Sharon