8 years

Happy Anniversary to us! Today makes 8 years of marriage.

Knut and I met our senior year in high school of all places. It was a boarding school, although not all of the students boarded like me. Some lived off campus like Knut. Neither of us had ever really dated anyone before, and we didn’t actually date each other for the first half of the year. I don’t think it occurred to either of us to like each other in that way for awhile, although we did seem to hang out all the time.

Here’s our first technical date, I suppose, although it was months later before we were officially a couple. Our friends Sarah and Doug are still very special to us, although they were never a couple, and did not end up getting married to each other like us, or like the other couple who is were with us at Godfather’s but not pictured here because they were across the table (Kristin and Jesse who are now expecting their 2nd child). I’m trying to remember if there was still one other couple there with us, but I don’t have any photographs to help me remember! You have no idea how old that makes me feel to wonder this!

Getting the 2 of us together, who were pretty clumsy at relationships as neither of us had ever been in one, was quite the challenge, taken on unofficially by Knut’s brother, Jon, and my friend Kristel, and I’m sure a number of other people. I have to honestly say I don’t think I ever intended on marrying Knut in the beginning, but I was horrified at the thought of making it all the way through high school without ever having a boyfriend. Shallow, I know. I was 17, so give me a break.

After graduation, we intended on breaking up. Honestly, we both did. We never said it out loud, but he was going to the middle-of-no-where Montana for Bible school, and I was headed off to down town Chicago for Bible school. I think each of us tried to break it off, for practicality sake. Effort was put into a break up, but neither of us could seem to manage it. So in the end, we gave up, and decided to date long distance for our first year of college. Since he had little to know email access in the mountains, we wrote letters once a week, and talked on the phone maybe once every other week…sometimes more. Our main rule was that we were not allowed to break up unless it was face to face. No breaking up through a letter or phone call was allowed.

I lived for his letters every week. I got to know Knut so well that year. We talked about all the theology we were studying, and about things we struggled with, as well as our work and ministries we were assigned to. We were, you know, both at Bible school! I remember one phone call telling him how someone I knew had gotten mugged, and he told me there was a mountain lion spotted near his dorm. We each dealt with our own dangers, I guess!

It was when Knut came to visit me in Chicago over spring break that it dawned on me that we were going to get married one day. I don’t think that was the moment for him, but it was for me.

The year after that, I moved back to our old high school to work while I figured out what in the world I wanted to do with my life, and he transferred to Northwestern to finish his degree. With only 3 hours of road separating us, we saw each other much more often, and spent way too much money on phone cards, as somehow we justified that since we were closer it was ok!

We did break up for a bit that year. 2 weeks, I think. I think Knut started to realize that our relationship would probably end in marriage as well, and was not planning on getting married til he was 30 or something. I think he realized he’d never get to date other girls, or experience college without a girlfriend “tying him down” or something to that tune. So, we broke up. I said “Go! Have fun! Be free!”

He called me every day we were broken up. I’m not even kidding. He was just calling to check on me, and make sure I was ok. Even his roommate called me once telling me Knut was not in good shape. I’m not sure what he expected me to do about it, but he thought I should know. The next chance Knut had, 2 weeks later, he came to visit me and asked me out again. He never did get all those other dates, and I don’t think he even asked one other girl out. With the number of times he called me, I don’t know where he’d have the time!

The summer after that Knut came down to spend the summer with my family in Phoenix, and I expected, to get their permission to marry me. My sister got married that summer too, so there was much family in town for him to meet. He stayed with my Uncle John and Aunt Chris and family, who lived only a couple miles from my parents house where I stayed. What a trooper! Don’t get me wrong, they are loads of fun, but she was pregnant with her 3rd child and had terrible morning sickness. Many mornings, I’m told, he was woken up by her plopping a baby and a 3 year old on his chest and saying, she’d be back. She spent the morning on the floor of the bathroom, and he fed and played with the boys until her stomach settled a little.

I think Knut was a godsend to her, and they became close. She praised him to the hilt to the rest of the family too, so he was a pretty easy shoo-in. That summer my little 3 year old cousin dubbed a phrase that is still sometimes heard in my family. You know, when something is “as big as a Knut.”

We headed back to college in the fall, with me transferring to Northwestern as well, as was the plan. He tortured me for weeks without proposing. He’d take me to fancy dinners, gear up for an important question and say “what would you like for dessert” when I was expecting “the question.” I remember crying to one of my roommates the night before he proposed “he’s never going to do it!” Knut thought it was great fun, though.

However, the day he proposed, I remember we went to church, and then picked up some fried chicken for a picnic in the park. Driving past a police station, Knut accidentally ran a red light…something he never does! I mean, it wasn’t even turning red. It had been red for a good while. Of course he got pulled over, and then the famous story of the police officer asking me to get out of the car, and taking me aside, asked me if there were any “domestic issues” I wanted to make known. Choking back laughter, I told him “no.” I got the ring that afternoon, though!

While I believe I can honestly say I love our marriage and we both work hard at it, I can also honestly say our engagement was…we’ll say dicey. More than any other 9 months we’ve been together. While we seemed on the same page for dating, and for marriage, we were never on the same page as far as what an engagement actually was. While I started dress shopping, and putting down deposits for this or that, he proceeded to freak out. He thought since I had the ring, I was a bit too presumptuous to think we were actually getting married. He always asked after each deposit if it was refundable, and after each bridal shower, as I would organize the gifts to attempt to fit them into my tiny dorm room, he would scold me that nothing was to leave it’s original box or be separated from it’s gift receipt, because if we ended up not getting married we’d want to send everything back easily. He was constantly reminding me that just because we were engaged didn’t mean for sure we were getting married.

Looking back, I’m surprised we made it to the wedding day. I remember wondering the morning of the wedding day if he’d show up. I mean, I was about 95% sure he would. There was no doubt in my mind that he was the man I wanted to marry, and I believe his biggest issue wasn’t me, but the idea of growing up and being married. At least 3 times during the engagement I almost called it off for his own good, and once I tried giving him the ring back. He’d always tried to keep the engagement going, but wanted to be sure I was kept in check as far as my expectations. It was 9 months of torture, I tell you!

We did have premarital counselling, which sometimes helped, and sometimes freaked him out even more. However, I do think we stayed on our course to get married because of it.

Our wedding day, though, was amazing. It wasn’t the flowers or dress or church that was amazing…it was the way he looked at me all day. It was like a light switch was turned on in his head. I was finally his bride, and I could have cried. Having no more questions, and no more arguments about our future…it was wonderful.

Our first year of marriage was good considering how busy we were as seniors in college both working as well. We loved reading books on marriage before and after we were married, and we thought we had an awful lot covered as far as “fight prevention.” We didn’t always agree, but we had always communicated well. I think that we went into marriage thinking if we just tried to understand each other better and communicate better, that the majority of fights could be avoided.

There was one thing, though, that I don’t remember going over in pre-marital counselling. We learned how to talk, and how to plan, and “fight the good fight.” We learned about expectations. However, I don’t think that it occurred to us until that first year of marriage that each of us was married to another sinner. Our first year of marriage we didn’t have a lot of communication issues, or anything like that. We had some sin issues that neither of us saw coming. I bring this up because it was a huge turning point in our marriage. I think we got to the point where we were stuck between a hard place and forgiveness. There was a major shift from working on training the other one in, to serving and protecting the other one from the enemy’s attacks, which we both felt. It drove us together and made us cling to one another and to God like nothing I could have planned.

Over the last 8 years, we’ve had our share of curve balls thrown our way. Together, we’ve called 6 different places our home. We’ve gotten into debt (you know, the usual: student loans, car, etc.) scraped together to get out of debt, (almost there! One pesky student loan left!) We dream a lot together. Sometimes Knut comes home and we are both equally exhausted, and he just comes to me and gives me a hug while the kids walk around and through our legs like we’re some kind of jungle gym. There’s something about that touch that gives us renewed energy.

We have so much fun together. I can’t think of one person I like to hang out with more. It’s so much fun to have someone who you have 1,000 inside jokes with, and you can just look at them, or they can look at you, and instantly, you know what they’re thinking. Well, not always, but he understands me better than most people. I think he shares more of himself with me than anyone else, so I think I understand him better than most people as well. It’s such an amazing blessing to be known on that level.

I won’t say we never disagree, but since that first year of marriage, I think we’ve grown so much stronger and in love than ever. I constantly feel like I’m bracing myself for when I’m going to wake up from this wonderful dream, but it keeps going on. Maybe that’s my baggage that I brought with me into the relationship from my childhood. God has taught me so much through Knut and healed me so much through our marriage as well. God has taught me so much about His love through Knut, and at times, I feel perplexed by both. I think, though, it’s one of those lessons you don’t learn in a day.

Happy Anniversary, Knut. I love our little growing family, and want to thank you for each day.