I was reflecting last night once again, about how I’ve changed since we’ve moved to the farm. I was at a Bible Study last night, and sat on a couch next to a friend of mine, who blesses me so much. During the video, I just wanted to snuggle up next to her, because she’s just that appealing, but I held back. It used to be, with girls at least, that wouldn’t scare me so much. I don’t know if it’s just when you’re in jr. and sr. high that it’s cool to be close. If it were my sister, though, I’m sure we would have been giving a back rub and not thinking of any awkwardness.
It’s another one of those things where I wonder if it’s that I’m realizing I’m a grown up, or adjusting once again to the culture here. I want to reflect on that, but first I want to clarify that I am not thinking about any one person, or church, or group when expressing some of Knut and my heartache since moving back. I think, as a whole, it’s the culture.
Knut and I had both lived here before we had gotten married, so we both felt we knew the area and the people well. When we moved to the big city to go to college, and decided to stay there for a few years, it was always our intention to move back. Still, we weren’t close to family there, and fortunately, in the big city, there were lots of other people who weren’t close to family. In the city, your friends are your family. They’re your babysitters, your emergency contact, the people you call when you need someone to pick you up after an accident. They’re the people you invite to your kids’ birthday parties.
Back in the country, though, we learned the hard way, that just isn’t so. In the country, your family is your family. Reaching out for friendships gets frustrating pretty quick.
Knut and I had more friends than we could handle in the city. When we moved back, that was without doubt the hardest part. We knew God was leading us, but we had formed such close bonds, that we felt like our heart was ripping out when we drove away. Even now, we have difficulty visiting our old church without having to overcome sadness for a few weeks following. That’s why the last few years when we’ve been in the city, we leave Saturday night, so we don’t have a chance to constantly look back.
Maybe it was that starting from scratch is always tough. We didn’t think we’d be starting from scratch, since we knew so many people, but we really did. When we tried calling all the people we knew, those people were always busy. When we got together with people, and started to share our hearts about some very difficult family issues that had been laid before us, there was discomfort, and silence.
We reasoned that friendships aren’t built in a day, and waited, and kept trying. After we reached the 2 year mark, we began to wonder if there was something wrong with us. I remember Knut and I trying hard to critique each other. “Is my breath bad?” “Do I talk too much?” “Am I boring?” “Do I try to go too deep to fast?” It was difficult because we have a blunt enough marriage that if any of these things were true, we’d have told the other person long before. It usually ended up with answering “no.” or “yeah, but I like that about you.” The whole situation, however, made us doubt our ability to hold a deep friendship. The kind of friendship that you can talk about your deepest struggles, and highest joys, and really have that person care about those things. We kept reminding ourselves “We used to have friends. We are capable of having friends!”
We began to pray about it, as foolish as we felt. God, give us some friends. It’s amazing, how some started lining up!
What I find myself still struggling with, even after God has started giving us some sweet people, is constantly wondering is something is wrong with me. The friendships are growing, but I find myself saying all the time “I know, I’m weird.” I feels self conscience about my diaper making, my love of sewing, or even my child raising theories. I’ve become so afraid of offending someone, or making someone feel lesser because they don’t do things like me.
I never used to be that way. If I used to be very offensive, this would be a good change. However, I don’t think I was. It leaves me holding back in speaking the truth, or holding back in talking about my interests. I’ve become so self conscience. I’m hoping, though, that as we grow with the friends we have, this problem will reverse itself. My friend, Carolyn, is constantly telling me when I say “I know, I’m a dork…” “Gretchen, no, you’re not.” It makes me feel a little bit more at ease in my own skin again.
I guess that’s why I’ve enjoyed this blog so much. I can practice being real again, without seeing the faces on the other side of the computer. I can practice talking about the things I think. It’s amazing how many friends I have made through this blog. Although I know I need to be a bit guarded on here, since it involves my kids. I try not to talk about where we live. I think that’s at least a safe start. Most people who read this blog, though, probably know that.
I don’t know if you know this, but next month, my blog will be turning 2. I’m thinking about doing something fun to celebrate that, and to show my appreciation to those who read my blog, and have been such an encouragement to me. So be looking for…something in the next month!
Discover.Larson.Photography says
November 2, 2009 at 3:56 pmWe’re coming, Gretchen, we’re coming!!!! I’m SO excited to get to know you all over again! We love you guys!
Moon over Guangzhou says
November 2, 2009 at 6:32 pmSeasons of life….
The friends you make when you’re newly married, and then all have your first kids together are truly in a special class of their own. At least for us. Those are the “couples” friends. It’s not even fair to use them as a gold standard, because nothing will really ever compare to them. I’m glad you’re making the commitment to do a Woman’s study! God is faithful to bring about just the right friends at just the right times, for just the right reasons. Being part of His Body, means He will be there with a listening ear, a hug, an understanding comment through all of the people He puts around you, and will use you to be His ear, arms, mouth too….
Mom says
November 2, 2009 at 6:50 pmGretchen, you’re not weird! If you were, that would mean I was weird, which I’m not. 🙂
Seriously, I think a lot of people can identify with you and actually feel relief when you are brave enough to express the feelings from deep in your heart. You and Knut have both Papa’s and my deepest admiration! We just ache that we can’t live closer or see you more often than we do. However, those that know you, both family and new close friends, know that you are loyal and faithful. Keep on being yourself. God is using you. Love, Mom
TeresaB says
November 2, 2009 at 7:33 pmI’ve just recently stumbled across you’re blog…I’m a MckMama fan too, and if I remember right, that’s how, on one Monday morning full of boredom, I clicked on the link to your blog! Actually I think it was your blog name that got my attention – it’s not often I find a blog about a REAL family living the farm life.
I grew up in Southern IL on a grain farm, went to college to study agriculture, now work as a crop consultant, and am married to a farm boy. We don’t farm ourselves…although that’s in our future since both our families own large farms, but we are farm kids at heart. A true rareity anymore.
I can relate to what you are saying on the friends topic. My DH and I complain all the time about lack of friends. We had lots of friends in college too…when we lived in ‘the city’. Now we are living in a very remote area not far from where either of us grew up. I’ve lost touch with HS friends…and HS friendships aren’t always the strongest. We’ve been here 2.5 years and have only 1 new ‘couple’ friendship built. I always question myself too, is there something WRONG with me? ??? Isn’t it so aggravating?
Now we have a infant daughter (not so infant actually, she’s almost 9 mo) and I really would love friends that would accompany us to the zoo or come over for a playdate…but so far we are coming up empty handed.
I stay very quiet with my lifestyle and opinions also in fear of ‘rejection’ or being weird when around acquaintances. I think sometimes I become too quiet and it also makes me ‘weird’.
lol
We’ve tried being fairly involved in our local church, but other couples our age aren’t into church families or events. Kinda sad.
All in all, you are not alone! There are many of us out there also looking and hoping for new strong friendships!
Hang in there!
Teresa in Southern IL
Janelle says
November 2, 2009 at 7:37 pmI loved reading this post because I can so relate! As someone who has seen friends move away in the last couple years I feel like I’m in different phases of friendship all the time. I also think it always feels a bit awkward to see them again ( I felt sad when I read your comment about leaving on Sat. and have thought of times we have been to Fergus and haven’t called.) I think God blesses us in each stage we are in. Some Sat. mornings I still think about our Q group and how God brought that group together. Thanks for your honesty… I enjoy keeping in touch this way.
Anonymous says
November 2, 2009 at 10:38 pmThe cool thing about your blog is that you are able to touch people (mainly women I’m guessing) and bring them to thinking about the real reason we’re here: loving each other like Jesus would! Being vulnerable is so difficult for people but is pretty much the only way someone will pay attention and relate. That is so unselfish and loving to be the first to open up and beg people to talk about real things of the heart.
Anyway, I’m always here (just a sprint call away and a couple thousand miles), but I’m just praying that you’ll get your own Diana Berry right in FF. Every girl needs a kindred spirited bossom friend. You shouldn’t need to ever feel the need to explain yourself to her. To be honest. I’m so glad I have you to chat with on the phone too while I’m prego at home with no car and a sweet but very two-year-old boy. Even though I’m never alone, it can get very lonely. I feel like you and mom have been quite the lifelines in getting me through what could be a really hard time.
Keep putting yourself out there and loving people. I know you’ll reap what you sow, sis.
Anonymous says
November 3, 2009 at 2:49 amFirst, don’t change anything about yourself or how and what you write! You aren’t weird!
Moving back to where you once lived is very difficult. Friends that you used to spend time with, moved on and made new friends to fill the hole that you left. They haven’t stopped being your friends, but things have changed. You’ve grown and changed as much as they have, and you made friends in the next place when you moved. It’s all a normal part of life. But it’s hard not to wonder why you can’t just refill that hole that you left. You will find a new niche and fit in again, perhaps differently and with different people. It also takes a little longer when you now have 3 kids to occupy so much of your time, attention and energy.
Your faith is deep, personal, and is part of everything you do and say. That’s not always comfortable in today’s world. An elderly Christian friend told me not to be surprised if you don’t find many friends willing to walk the narrow path with you. So many Christians want to be acceptable in the world, and don’t want to look or be any different. They don’t want to “give up” anything. And they don’t want to think too deeply or seriously.
You’ve been a big encouragement to me and many others, and I look forward to what you have to say and share. I’m sorry that you have had a struggle with this, and that it has caused sadness for you and Knut. May you know God’s peace even in this, and know that He will bring you wonderful and true friendships in the most surprising ways, places and people.
And like your mom said, keep on being yourself. God is using you!
annalise + andrew says
November 4, 2009 at 6:00 amI feel the same way Gretch. And am tearing up a little right now having to deal with that in my own heart. Thanks for being so honest. Hugs
Dawn Mutterer says
November 5, 2009 at 5:42 pmYou are a brave woman to post on such a personal topic. I’ve felt what you feel, even four years after moving to a new place, I have a lot of “kind-of” friends. I think twice about asking them over, and if I do, I harbor major doubts about myself if/when they decline. I often feel more connected at work, where people HAVE to talk to me, than at home, when communication is optional.
I think the most important thing for me to say is that you are dearly loved and a fantastic friend–that I still consider to be one of my best. Hugs to you from me, dearie.
Holly says
May 26, 2015 at 9:23 amPersonally I think you’re interesting and cool and I would totally want to be your friend!!!