I’m Blessed

I had this beautiful post written in my head last night for this morning.  It involved such an encouraging day at church, a night with dear friends, and finally some really good progress in school.  It involved the Silje and David doing chores together last night happily, and staying up and having tea together just because they wanted to continue on their conversation.  They were getting along, people!  I was going to tell you all about Elias’ wonderful birthday, and think of all the ways I’m thankful he is here.

I thought this dreamy, all-is-well feeling would last me until I got to writing this morning.  One little thing happened: 2 year molars.  Ingrid was up pretty much between 11pm and 3am, and every 2 hours following that.  She slept somewhere in there, though very lightly.  I’m tired.  Right now all I can think about is: I’m tired.

I am sometimes disgusted how I let one thing dominate my attitude when I have a list of things I’m thankful for.  I hate how easily a spirit of gratitude can topple, and I realize more and more that it is a battle.  Gratitude is not a passive thing, it’s something you have to hold onto with white knuckles and refuse to have it taken.  Because we are so easily distracted, so easily fooled, it’s crazy.  We say gratitude will come when everything is perfect…when we have something to be grateful for.  We have this ideal in our heads that when…if…we ever get there, we will be happy.  We will be content.

Do not be deceived.

Our adult Sunday School is doing this video series about life in the desert.  It’s quite incredible.  It laid a foundation of people who went into the desert for their training, either willingly, or unwillingly.  The study brings a camera into the desert that the Israelites wandered after they escaped Egypt.  We’re learning about the trees and plants that the Bible speaks about in context to the desert in which they grow.  It’s fascinating.

I’m reminded through this study that God is enough for today.  We have our daily bread…grace for today.  Yet, we are never happy with just today.  We demand grace for the next while.  We want a promise that our lives will be perfect.  We demand God serve us in a way that would require no faith.

I did experience that last night.  I saw a direct application to that “grace for just this moment” right around 2am.  I had been holding Ingrid, and getting her a drink.  She was nearly asleep in my arms, and I gently laid her down.  She protested, as she often does, but instead of rolling over and falling asleep as she usually did, the quiet protest worked into a full out scream.  I left the room in frustration and fatigue.  I went and laid down in bed, and told Knut I ran out of things to do for her.  I had nothing left.  Nothing I did helped, so what’s the point?

After a few sleepy moments, Knut sat up.  I didn’t see the point in him going in, and told him so.  We are in post-harvest season still.  During post-harvest, the youngest kids push him away.  They act shy around him.  Of course they remember him, but they check everything he tells them to do with me to make sure that I’m okay with it.  They certainly don’t like him showing up to comfort them at night.  That’s mom’s job, and I’m not sure if you’ve ever met a toddler, but they don’t like when things change.

Knut picked up Ingrid, and she didn’t fight him.  He brought her back to our bed, and gently turned her head away from seeing me.  He laid her down on his chest, and with her ear to his heartbeat, her body relaxed and she fell asleep.  It was a moment of grace.  It was a moment of provision.

I lay there in the silence, listening to them breathe, and thanked God for that moment.  That’s when we find joy.  Every moment has it’s provision.  It doesn’t mean every moment is painless and pleasant.  It means every moment has provision.  And when we see it, and we give thanks, there is joy.  Faith grows.

I’m also thankful for coffee this morning.  God’s provision comes in many forms.