It’s All Okay

I seem to always find myself prepping the family for the next season.  For instance, when we went down to Arizona for Christmas, it involved an awful lot of preparation on my part.  From getting the house clean, and picking out clothes for everyone to bring down, planning out how the road trip would go and distractions to have for the kids when they were tired of sitting in the car.

My mind is always reeling for how our family will handle the next thing on our plate.  In this season where we’re still recovering from the holiday season, I’m keenly aware that the ski season is (sort of) upon us.

I say sort of because we have no snow, and none in the forecast either.  This concerns me because Knut is supposed to be training for his Birkie race in Wisconsin right now.  It’s a little tricky to train without snow.  There are things to do, but they are not nearly as exciting to do as ski.

With the trying to find ways for Knut to have time to train, the question of Solveig has still been weighing on me.  The plan is to have her weaned and stay home with the other kids while Knut and I travel up to Wisconsin for the big race for the weekend. 

I’ve weaned kids before, and I haven’t ever had much trouble with it.  It’s not just the nursing that’s on my mind.  Solveig has been waking up at night now for months.  She just got 2 new molars and during that time she woke up about 3 times a night, and that was when she had Tylenol even.  Now that those teeth are in, she’s reduced that to waking up once a night just for the snuggle factor.

Here’s the thing.  I don’t mind getting up with her.  Getting up at night used to be such a big deal for me.  I need my sleep.  However, getting up with her at night has just become a routine.  Sometimes I take her back to bed with me, but since I don’t sleep well that way, I’ve started enforcing the “go back to bed” system I did with the other kids.  They’re allowed to come back to my bed after 4am, and then after a few weeks, after 5 am, and then after a few more weeks, 6am. 

Solveig is at the 5am point.  Anytime after 5am she can snuggle with me in bed.  Anytime before I sit up in a chair and nurse her and then lay her back in her own bed.

In all reality, breastfeeding is the ONLY thing she wants at that time of night.  Believe me, I’ve tried other things but that is the quick fix.  She’s 13 months old now, and I’ve never nursed a baby this long.  I was planning on being done, and I’ve only begun the weaning battle.

That’s the thing.  I see it as a battle right now because she’s fighting me on it.  I have a plan to make this trip to the Birkie with Knut and Solveig is clinging to breastfeeding with all her might.

The “bad” thing is I don’t mind.  I don’t mind still breastfeeding her.  When you have big kids swarming all around you, it’s nice to have a quiet moment with the littlest one.  I don’t mind getting up with her at night.  The house is so still and her snuggles touch my heart and renew me for the next day.

I’ve begun to wonder if this is a battle that is worth fighting.

There are some battles that I will always fight with my kids.  I’ve learned that my ‘yes’ must be ‘yes’ and my ‘no’ must be ‘no’.  That means if I say clean your room, I will fight them to clean it.  That means if it is a matter of obedience, I will fight for them to understand that we are looking out for their best and our words may be trusted. 

Obedience is important to me.  Trust is important too.  In my mind, those meet an essential need with my kids for consistency in their life and knowing what to expect.  If I say “do this” and they can whine and I say “never mind” they know that my words are easily swayed.

I don’t mean tyrannical rule.  I get down to their level and try to hear their heart in the best way they can manage to communicate it with their words.  We talk about the “why” we do things.  But there are only 2 adults making decisions in this house.

There are some parenting fights that are important to me because of my personal preference and have nothing to do with “moral parenting” as I see it.  For instance, I’m a bedtime nazi (as Knut calls me).  Bedtime is at 8 and that means that at 8pm I am walking downstairs with everyone tucked quietly in their bed. 

I’m also a stickler on table manners.  We do lots of pleases and thank yous and taking your plate to the counter when you’re done.  Cups go in a certain spot, and so do forks.  When at all possible at big group events, we let the elderly go through first unless the group insists upon the kids going first.  We wait to be served, and we say thank you and not complain even if it’s not your favorite. 

I know some very godly families that have no bedtimes for their kids and just snuggle with them all night.  That is just fine and nothing wrong with that. 
What I mean to say is that I pick battles with my kids based on 2 criteria: it is morally right, and it is my personal preference (aka need for sanity).

As I was considering my preparation for the Birkie trip and Solveig’s eating/sleeping issue I considered whether or not it was something that should be done, or something that I want done. 

I then realized it didn’t fit into either category.  It’s not more moral to wean her, and I plain don’t want to.  At that point, my only concern was what Knut would think of it, as it effects him too.

The more I thought about it, the more I tried to figure out some alternatives.  Should I stay home from the trip this year?  It’s really not a big couple weekend.  It’s Knut stressing over how to wax his skis the night before, and then debating which layers to wear for the race that will allow him to be warm without being too warm.  After the race he’s thrilled but exhausted.  My only purpose there is moral support and his aunt and uncle (who we stay with) could easily support him in that way.

I knew he needed me at the finish line, though.  I thought of him at the finish line last year on how he needed to lean on me to get to the soup tent and was literally shaking all over with frostbite on his nose and snowy frost extending his goatee by 3 inches.

I couldn’t get past that finish line problem.  He needed me there for that part, there was no doubt.

So that left two options: force Solveig to wean and hope that will solve her sleep issues as well.  Perhaps let her cry more, even though that wakes the other kids and makes for a generally crabby household all around.  Or I could bring her with.  She’s more mobile now, and this is supposed to be our kid-free weekend.  She came last year because she was only a tiny baby and made no fuss anyway.

So tentatively I asked Knut last night if it would be okay if we brought Solveig along.  Not only do I feel like the buck stops with him when it comes to parenting decisions as I see him as the head of our house, but I feel like in general it is both of our jobs to keep the other one from making stupid decisions.  He casually looked up and said “weaning not going so well?”

“Well, no.  But it’s not just that.  She’s getting up at night and I don’t think it’s fair to ask your parents to get up with her that often.  I don’t mind doing it, but I feel uncomfortable leaving her when she hasn’t slept through the night in a few months.  I’ve tried cutting out a feeding with her, but whenever I cut one out during the day, she adds two more back in at night.  I’ve tried shortening the feedings, as worked well with David.  She won’t have it and screams in hysteria if I take her latch off too early and then she won’t be soothed.  I mean, if we decide I need to do it, I can.  It will be a lot of tired arms and a lot of screaming and a lot of lack of sleep for a few weeks, but we can do it.  I just am really wondering if it’s worth the fight at this point.”

Without skipping a beat he said “Sounds good to me.”

“You mean you don’t mind me bringing her along?”

“It sounds logical to me.  Solveig is so easy to please.  She’s not a tough baby and asks for so little.  It seems silly to take away the one thing she asks for when it makes the whole family run more smoothly and you don’t mind.”

You see, it would be an issue if what she wanted was bad for her, or bad for me, or bad for someone else in our family.  The fact that no one minds makes it silly to turn it into a battle.

So that decided that.  She may still wean before the trip and be able to stay.  She may start sleeping better now that her molars are in and our family isn’t running places as much, at least for a little while.

But it’s okay if things stay as they are right now.  It’s okay with him.  It’s okay with me.  It’s okay with her.

And that just washes the stress right off me about the whole thing.  It’s all okay.