Retreat

This last weekend, I got a treat from Knut. After years and years of me wanting to go to one of the “crafting” weekends out at Inspiration Point, this year, he made it happen. In the spring they have “Quilt, Scrap, Stamp” retreats and in the fall they divide it into quilting weekends and scrapping/stamping weekends.

As you may have noticed, both of those times, both spring and fall, are about the worst time of year for leaving the farm for any reason. Field work has already begun on the farm, so I was just tickled when Knut told me I should just go this year.

I had a tough time figuring out what to bring to work on. I had a long list of projects! I really wanted to work on diapers there, but some fabric for the diaper inners that I was expecting to come on Thursday morning didn’t actually arrive until Saturday morning, when I was already out at the camp. So I planned on working on a few “hot mama” diaper bags, and one of Silje’s new summer dresses, and if there was still time, a few other bags or Silje’s Grandmother’s Flower Garden quilt.

When I got there, I saw that they had a work table ready for me in the chapel, which was a little removed from the hustle and bustle of the work stations set up in the lakeview lodge, where the majority of women were. In the little chapel, there were 5 other women in there with me. Michelle, who is from my church and was kind enough to give me a ride way out to camp. She was the vendor for the stamping that weekend as well. Then there were 2 other quilters in there, and 2 other stampers.

I used to work out at this camp as a “camp aide” they called it back then. I think now the title is “support staff.” Doing the math as to how long ago that was, I think it was 12 year ago. It’s amazing though, it doesn’t even feel half that long ago. As a whole, the weekend was not what I had expected.

I was expecting a big sewing weekend, where I got a bunch of things crossed off my to-do list, and kinda a slumber party atmosphere with fun with girlfriends. In the end, I saw I was put in a room alone, since I didn’t request any roommates (since I didn’t really know anyone besides Michelle and one other friend), and I didn’t sign up for the camp very early.

There’s something about the camp where God is so very present. I know God is omnipresent, but in this case, His presence seems to be extra thick. God’s presence hits you over the head like a shovel when you cross onto the land there.

I’ll have to admit, not knowing quite what to expect, I was a little pouty that I had no roommates, and I was out in the chapel, and away from the crowd in the lodge. After the service that night, I went back to my room, and God told me that all of that was part of His plan. You see, I thought this would be a girls’ weekend, but God was planning a weekend with Him. Silly me. I don’t know how I could expect a weekend out at camp and expect anything else.

The weekend was productive with a few hiccups. I forgot my elastic, which was required for the pockets in the liner of the hot mama bags. Since the pockets are about the first step of the liner, none of the liners of the bags got done, but just the outsides…pretty much. I got Silje’s new dress done, and cut out some more fabric for her quilt. Here’s Silje’s dress, completed:

I totally butchered another bag, called a “Jenny Bag” and will have to completely redo the binding before I sell it, or I may just have made myself a new bag if I decide not to fix it.

I went to all the little chapel services, though they were not in the chapel, and was totally convicted on so many things. Janet, who is a fixture out at the camp, spoke and what stuck in my head the most, as she talked about God’s love, which was the theme of the weekend, was her experience with coaching her summer councilors.

You see, it seems that every summer, there is at least one councilor who comes to Janet saying “Janet, there’s this kid in my cabin that is completely driving me nuts. Please, please, pray that I have more patience.” She always tells them no. She will not pray for patience for them. She will pray for more love. Because love is patient, and where there is love, there is patience. She tells them to love more, which requires, of course, that we tap into God’s love more. It’s practically impossible to muster that up ourselves.

Being a mom of 3 kids 5 and under, this message spoke volumes to me. There are so many times that I focus on trying to be patient, when what I need to be striving for is more love. Less selfishness, less me. More God. I think about every meaningful message to be gotten from any Bible study has been just that: less me, more God.

I have to admit, though, that there was a certain weariness that sunk into me at the mere thought. This was not something resolved during my weekend out there, and I wish I could have stayed longer so that it could have been explored more without interruption. I think that so many Christians, who have been Christians for a number of years could relate.

I am so so tired of failing in my Christian life. I’m so sick of wanting to have devotions, and never finding time or making it a priority. I’m sick of the 2 week bursts of spirituality sprinkled throughout the year. I love being a mom, and I know that is my calling for this time, but I miss so much waking up and having time alone with God for even 30 minutes without interruption. (If I even attempt this, one of my kids always wakes up, and too early, making them crabby all day long, and myself crabby all day long, and I almost always regret it.)

I miss being involved in ministries, like talking to people about Jesus even on the street, or at the crisis pregnancy center. I miss opening up my concordance and Bible dictionary and doing some serious Bible study. I have found it next to impossible to do these things as a mother, and while I would not trade my life for anything, I still miss that aspect of life.

With every attempt to any of this being foiled, and God continually pointing me to the ministry He has set before me: my children, I feel like I am on a path of daily failure. O if I could just be in a Bible study at church without my children interrupting 7 times, or volunteer for some charity without a babysitter calling last minute to cancel because she forgot she needed to do laundry that morning.

I get glimpses of things like that, but I don’t live there. A good friend and mentor of mine who has several more children than I do suggested that I focus on Scripture memory, as she found that could be done throughout the day. She said I need to let go of the extra-biblical requirements that I have in my mind of what I “need” to do to be a good Christian. Although spending 30 minutes alone with God a day is beneficial, no where in the Bible does it say “good Christians set aside everything and spend 30 minutes a day in the Word.” For some people, that is impossible. To say so, would be living like a Pharisee. To dwell on verses on your head over and over while doing dishes or making supper is a another way to bring God into the everyday. Still even in that, I fail.

I know this failure, has no baring on my relationship with Christ as far as Him approving of me. He approves of me because of what Christ did on the cross, and not because of any works of mine. My frustration is not in any lacking of Him, but the lacking in me. Perhaps I should just rely on Him more, rest in Him more. I find, though, that I don’t know how to rest in Him while living in the valley, and I wish I could live on the mountaintop. Life is so much easier there.

It’s a journey, and I don’t know how God is going to teach me how to rest in Him while in the valley, but it’s been so easy for me lately to become pessimistic about it. I feel like I’m never ever going to get it right, no matter how much I try, and it makes me crave even more, for just living at His feet in heaven.

So begins a few more weeks of really trying to seek after God, and dwell on His Word, but it’s not even in the back of my mind, it’s front in center: ‘I guess we’ll see how long it lasts this time.’ I desire, so badly, for a “spurt” of spending time with God daily to last forever. I wish it were second nature, and easy. It is so not easy, and my plans to do it are so easily frustrated, leaving me frustrated.

So I ask that you pray for me in this journey to rely on God fully everyday, which is the journey I’ve been on since I was born. Any tips you have, like the Scripture memory, would be appreciated. However, I hesitate from relying on any formula or plan, because I don’t want to rely on those. I just want to rely on Him. If I ever figure that out, I’ll let you know.