Good afternoon, dear friends! The other day when I woke up in this silent part of the early morning, I looked out my window and couldn’t see anything besides this amazing, intricate pattern of frost etched on the whole window. I sat up and just stared at it. Just like sunsets, frost patterns on my window take my breath away. I can’t draw very well. I don’t even doodle on the side of pages very well, but while I was sleeping, this frost made one of the most detailed designs as the cold air and moisture came together. Nature is a wonder, isn’t it?
We are starting to get used to Knut being home more. I think we are finally over the harvest re-entry hump. The house hasn’t recovered from harvest yet, though. My oven door handle is still a coat hanger, and Knut has replaced several lightbulbs, and while he was working on getting the trim put back on the front door that needed to be reframed, somehow one of the glass panes in our beloved fireplace got a crack. We heat that thing like crazy in the winter, but with a crack in it, Knut and I both hesitate on really pushing the fire to be too hot, and so we’ve kept a fire going most days just for a bit of heat. But it’s not enough so we turned on our propane heater that’s usually there just for backup/vacations to prevent pipe freezing. Propane heat is not the same. It’s not the same at all. So that glass is pretty up there on the fix-it list too.
The number of things that need to be fixed seem to be more this year than usual. Our van tires are in desperate need of replacing too, especially with icy winter upon us, that has to take high priority. If it were just one thing, we’d be set. It feels like it’s 20 things right now.
And yet, this old, falling apart farmhouse is still my favorite place to be these days. It’s just home. I can’t believe Advent starts next Sunday. I see the days so full on my calendar during the peaceful time of Advent, and I wonder how I will quiet the rush and “prepare him room.” I don’t know yet.
My mother-in-law has been offering to take Silje to orchestra most days when she has to go, and that has been a huge load off of my hurried schedule. Silje has gotten a lot of extra time with her grandma this way, and I think that’s so neat too. Knut’s mother’s mother is at a nursing home in town, and she will often go and look in on her, and has been able to work that around Silje’s orchestra schedule so I’m not running into town multiple times a day anymore.
Elias turned 7, and Solveig got sick. So we ate his cake as a family and gave him the presents from us, but his “big” party with extended family was postponed. That was followed by David and Elias being sick. Silje thought she was going to throw up all one day, but ended up not. She looked pretty awful and laid down the whole day, though. Now we are left with just a nasty sounding cough echoing through the rooms. For a germ running through our house, this one was pretty tame, and went through quick.
We made up Elias’ extended family birthday party last minute yesterday with a cake from the freezer and an impromptu gathering after church. I guess I was just waiting to see who was going to get sick next and didn’t want to jinx it.
I’ve been fighting with my old friend, “depression” many mornings. It must not be as bad as other times, it’s actually very different because school has been going on like clockwork, and we are getting so much done. I don’t feel like doing anything, and yet I’m doing it, and I don’t know how that is happening. But for the grace of God, I think. I heard Sarah Mae refer to that as “functional depression” and that’s a great term for it.
I think I know why the depression is here this time. It’s been a few days of feeling better, and I didn’t do anything different. I’ve been working so hard on writing this Bible study, and I’ve made such progress, and I’m just getting filled up and overflowing from all I’m learning.
But then in the morning…
before I even get out of bed, I wake up, hear my kids whining downstairs with Knut at the breakfast table, and I start to hear the lies. I start to think, “What am I doing thinking I can write a Bible study? I am the most unqualified person ever. Is what I wrote last night even make sense? I’m a terrible mother. Listen to my kids down there. I haven’t taught them anything. Today is going to be awful. I can’t do it today. I can’t teach today. I can’t mother today. I can’t write today. And cooking? I don’t even know what anyone is eating today. That’s going to be awful. I’m so sick of food. I’m a terrible cook. I am so bad at this…all of this. I suck at all of this. I want to stay in bed. I have nothing to teach, nothing to say, nothing of significance. I’m a fraud. If people knew how truly awful I was at everything…”
The internal tangent usually ends in tears, and I know they are lies. Sometimes I know. I end up fighting back, sometimes holding my knees to my chest as I lay there and start singing to myself the old Sunday School song I learned many years ago,
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
There’s just something about that name
Master, Savior, Jesus
Like the fragrance after the rain
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
There’s just something about that name
Master, Savior, Jesus
Like the fragrance after the rain
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus
Let all heaven and earth proclaim
Kings and kingdoms will all pass away
But there’s just something about that name
It calms me down. I fight off the lies with it, as weird as that sounds. I grew up hearing that Jesus’ name had spiritual power, and it’s so true. It’s never once failed me.
Shari says
November 23, 2015 at 8:19 pmWe are in the middle of moving and I feel like I’m in this huge slump. School is just reading and playing for the kids. The baby is having a bit of a medical emergency and everything seems like it’s just too much. It’s four pm and I have no clue what’s for supper. I need to get organized and get some meals in the freezer for days like today.
I’m in Canada so thanksgiving was last month, November is just rainy and dreary here. Not much to look forward to. But December is just around the corner and is always an exciting time with the lead up to Christmas.
Thank you for posting today, it always brightens my day 🙂
Anne Butcher says
November 23, 2015 at 8:29 pmGretchen, I’m not sure how I ran across your blog, but I’ve been reading awhile. I wanted to just let you know that I know about getting up in the morning and how hard it is to get started. I swear some hormone dips terribly low while sleeping is what causes the morning drag. Anyway, I wanted to tell you that since I’ve been brewing my own kombucha, there has been such a change in my mood. It sounds weird but on my Facebook kombucha group it was confirmed by many that it can lighten your mood. Those lovely gut flora can do a lot. It is pretty simple to brew considering you may get quite more benefit than digestive health. Let me know if you have tried it or interested in it, I can help direct you. Anne
Mom says
November 23, 2015 at 9:13 pmKambucha does have a lot of vitamin B for sure. Gretchen, you are sure not alone in experiencing depression. I have sure gone through it. I love the God put the story of Elijah’s depression in the Bible. Who would’ve thought that after his great victory and miracles performed that he would’ve gotten depressed? Yet he did, and those of us who have gone through it understand it more now. I love how God nurtured him during that time. Allow yourself to be nurtured by God without feeling guilty. I can hardly wait to get up there and be with you!
Lisa Nichols says
November 23, 2015 at 10:01 pmI’ll be praying for you, Gretchen. It’s the least I can do; your blog efforts have uplifted me countless times.
Stacy says
November 23, 2015 at 10:49 pmThe kids are all public schooled right now. So it’s me and the three year old and a sick one on the couch today as I try to turn the house inside out for Thanksgiving. My husbands family is coming…it’ll be about 30 of us here. I found your blog through Ginny’s Yarn Alongs and enjoy reading your thoughts and seeing your farm life and knitting. I am also wondering how to slow down and “make room” this Christmas…I’m trying not to think about it but when I do I get overwhelmed with all there is to do.
Keep thriving. Keep telling us about it. Go with God, Gretchen. Peace be with you.
Deborah says
November 24, 2015 at 2:23 amEvery time I read this blog it is as though I am reading my own heart, splayed out in words,echoing my thoughts and struggles. I’m a mom of four kids..and homeschooling is a choice we have made, and love. But the constantness of 5 people rubbing their sin up against each other 24/7 makes for challenging days.
We have issues with our kids.. So many things that need to be worked on. But I am reading “Seasons of a Mother’s Heart” by Sally Clarkson…. And I am just so inspired by the thought that I don’t have to know. I don’t have to know how to deal with all the issues. How to fix my kids. How to be better, even. All I need to do is rest in His love, and let Him minister kindness to me.
And be grateful for the steamy coffee swirls, the wiped clean counter, the mounds of laundry being in cohesive piles –yes! Even that!
Then minister these graces to my children by pointing out the good as often as I can.
Satan hates all of this. For me, the battle rages hotter and harder the further I go into Jesus. The lies are pelted, one right after the other of how lame I am. How I shouldn’t be knitting, but doing Legos. How my kids should know how to spell better by now. How my house is a rambling wreck. How much, how utterly much I am simply a horrible mom.
But taking thoughts captive comes by saying the name of Jesus. Pray. Praise. Sing.
It gets me through. Because the anxiety and depression threaten me often, as they have over the last 6 years.
Yet He knows our frame.
We are accepted in the beloved.
I am a sheep in his pasture.
And it’s all Him.
Jesus.
Angela says
November 24, 2015 at 1:39 pm{{{{Gretchen}}}}} You are not alone in this….I have been feeling the pangs that come with the shifting of the seasons. The days are shorter and that makes me feel like they are moving so fast that I can’t keep up. I am trying to embrace what it has to offer. I have been waking up with praise songs on my mind…what a great reminder that I have His strength to see me through!
So exciting about the bible study you are writing! Praying for you, friend!
Eliane says
November 24, 2015 at 2:28 pmCertainly, you’re not alone in this daily battle of get out of the bed and start the day! I suffer from depression, after a traumatic divorce, and I have two children, now almost adults, at college. But what I want to say to you is that don’t be so demanding on yourself, you’re a great mother and wife and is on track of everything of your life. You have a beautiful family and I look forward to read new posts from you! Sorry for the bad english, I’m not a native speaker.
Eliane
Dawn says
November 24, 2015 at 3:32 pmI have been recovering from a surgery. My goal has been to rest more than usual every day. But you know, it’s really changed my perspective on the things that need to get done.
I have been through bouts of depression. It is so hard. Usually I have advice for people, but instead of that today (I am coming to realize that fewer people need my advice than I offer it to), I will leave you with a thought from Brene Brown:
I am imperfect, and I am enough.
Anna says
November 24, 2015 at 8:04 pmI read this on the bus, on my way home from a night shift at the hospital. Here in Sweden right now, it’s a cold and bleak november and it feels like an eternity to spring. No snow, no light.
At our house, it’s the other way around. I am the one working long hours and my husband who is a teacher does most of the housework during the week. The darkness of the Nordic winter never bothered me before I had kids, but now I’m dreading it every year mostly because of the never-ending infections. I suffered from post-partum depressions with both my kids and sinne then, my mind always feels heavy this time of year. Christmas isn’t about light and music anymore, it’s fever and vomiting…. I find myself escaping to work, were I am “safe” and there the guilt starts wrapping itself around me.
I have always found that talking about it with others helps so much! I was very open about how I felt when my kids were newborn and got so much encouragement from others that had been in the same situation but felt to guilty talking about it. I believe that all of us moms out there, regardless of where in the world have these feelings of not being enough. For our kids, for ours partners, at work, and (often at the bottom of the list) ourselves. Reading your post(s) tells me this again, and it is so comforting to be able to repeat to myself that I’m not alone.
Thankyou for that!
Jodi in CO says
November 25, 2015 at 3:51 amNo one has mentioned this so I will put it out there for you to ponder on. In the week BEFORE the attacks in Paris, etc., virtually everyone (I am not kidding) in our small (15 members) church experienced some sort of depression, anxiety, anger attack, or something like that. It was like Satan was getting the upper hand there for a few days, all over the world. So many times we seem to be struggling alone, but we are not. We are connected to the body of Christ all over the world. After Paris, things seemed to calm down a bit again. You are on absolutely the right track when you sing the Jesus song. Singing praises, singing His name is very powerful. I hope you are feeling better now. I too am reminded to pray for you. Never give up. Never give up. Never give up.
Sarah W. says
November 25, 2015 at 9:56 pmThis morning when I read your post my day had barely begun: the children weren’t awake and the house was still clean. No mistakes. By noon everything had changed. My 17 month old woke up with a fever, my three year old won’t stop whining, dishes are everywhere because of all the Thanksgiving Day prep work, and I’ve yelled at my kids too many times to count. Nap time was cut short by my three year old throwing an epic tantrum and screaming so loudly that he woke up the sick baby. So here I sit, writing to you while I listen to two screaming kids wanting out of their respective beds. Dishes are half done. Hair is brushed, but that’s as far as I’ve gotten with regards to personal hygiene today.
Today is one of those days where I look in the mirror and think “you are failing at motherhood.”
Thank you for writing about your days both good and bad. Reading about your frustrations, your fears, your sense of failing before the day has barely begun…it’s those posts that make me think “If she can do it with five kids, I can certainly manage two.” It’s one of the best things about blogs/blogging. Being a stay at home mama is so rewarding but can also be quite isolating, and yes, like you said, even lonely. Your posts, happy or sad, never fail to put things in perspective and give me a more positive outlook on my day. Thank you for that. Enjoy your Thanksgiving. Let us know how David handles his special meal!
Joy K says
December 4, 2015 at 11:34 pmGretchen, reading this was good for me, and the comments have been uplifting too. I love reading about your life, kids, struggles, and feeling not alone, even if I don’t have kids, a farm house or know how to knit. 🙂 Your honesty and faith encourage me! I am sitting on a bus, going home from work on a Friday afternoon. My husband is getting a cold, so our weekend of cleaning, tasks and errands might all be shot, but that’s ok. Feeling empty after another month of getting a period instead of getting pregnant. But God is good all the time. I will not quit hoping in Him! I think of passages from Job and Daniel about how even if I die without the fulfillment of my prayers, God is still good and I will trust Him. I pray peace and rest to you and your family this blessed Advent. Depression doesn’t get the last word! Thanks for reminding me!