Back Home, Making Plans

We made it back home.  The first thing Knut did was light the fire in the fireplace and I think there was a collective sigh throughout our family, as we just let the warmth and delight of the flames just calm us from our travels.

My kids did about 100 times better on this trip that I anticipated they would.  I suppose I was preparing for the worst, but I’m so pleased with how it all went.  It was one of the longest trips we had ever taken, but we were moving around so much that we never really got bored in one spot.  We made some good memories, but now it’s so good to be home.

Of course, there’s a whole pile of catch-up waiting for me on the kitchen table with mail piled high.  Knut reminded me that I really need to get him my tax information to bring to the farm accountant, and David has another doctor’s appointment coming up, oh and Silje has missed a few weeks of choir and her teacher thoughtfully made her a cd to help her catch up before they start preforming.  (By the way, Silje, “Miss Independent” really wanted to keep her things separate from the family on this trip. I told her I have an easier time not losing things when they’re together.  I can’t have my brain all over the place.  She assured me she could take care of herself.  She did really great the whole trip except when we got to the airport to fly home, and realized she never brought out her suitcase to get loaded in the car and was back at my parents.  Sigh.  It should arrive on Monday, and not cheaply.)

I have laundry to do, birthday presents for family to buy, an empty fridge to fill, food to cook, calls to return and don’t get me started on my business emails of which I’m ridiculously behind.  The to-do list for my knitting business is crazy long right now.  Also I have to download David’s Tae Kwon Do curriculum for his next belt and go over that with him.  I need to come up with a report card for him too, to see if he qualifies for an academic award, and the seeds needed to get started about 2 weeks ago but I held off because I didn’t want to ask anyone to water them when we are gone.  Knut had a last minute township meeting, something about water regulation, and I have a homeschoolers meeting, and then I think there’s some basketball games coming up this weekend too that Knut needs to be at.

Since we got back Silje just got signed up for volleyball at the YMCA.  This is her first sport ever.  She hates sports, and we are always trying to get her more active, so when she asked to be on a team, we couldn’t help but just make it work.  We had to rearrange some swimming lessons starting up.  Our days in town are just growing longer.

The chicks will arrive sometime today, and the coop needs to be mucked out of it’s winter bedding.  Oh. my. word. my head is spinning back here at home.

I missed cooking.  I have all these ideas starting up in my head of what to make.  I’m excited to be back in my own kitchen with all my favorite gadgets.

Last night I was up late adding all of these things to the schedule.  Different kids have swimming lessons at different times.  Choir practice, concerts, Tae Kwon Do tournaments, volleyball…did I mention that I hate activities and I’ve been digging my heels into doing this for a few years now?  I looked at the calendar and saw something really big missing.

My weekly business/crafting time has disappeared.  Not dwindled.  It’s gone.  Zero.  Zip.

I felt my world get really small last night, as my worst fears of going down this activity road was coming true.  I get that my world is my kids right now.  Believe me that I understand that is my reality.  But I used to have the goal of spending 5-8 hours on my business a week.  Then it went to maybe 2 hours a week.  Then 1.  That has gone down to zero.

This morning when making breakfast, I told Knut how worried I was about the schedule.  If this last year and a half of pain and anxiety has taught me anything it’s that I’m not a robot.  I need to feed myself food, mentally, physically, and spiritually if I have anything to give my kids.  If I can’t make myself a priority for me, than at least I have to do it for them.  I was worried that the next 2 months on the calendar left no room to get myself fed.

So I asked him if he could take over the evening duties every Wednesday night with the kids that we normally do together, putting them to bed, etc, and let me just work on my stuff, be it patterns writing, or sewing or quilting or general “me time.”  I know he has a Wednesday night meeting once a month, and that spring planting will mean he has to work late very soon.  But until that happens, can he just watch everyone for me so I can just go in my crafting space and be alone once a week?  If I can just make it to summer, I’ll have more sitters available once school is out to give me a couple hours a week, but for now, could he just step in and do this?

He said sure.

Just like that.

Here I was… all stressed out on how I was going to get some “me” time… and I just had to ask.

I’m learning more and more that people in general don’t always see needs.  I’m also learning that I’ve been pretty terrible about communicating those needs, mostly because my needs are at the bottom of my list.  It’s something I’ve been learning the last few years, especially in my marriage, that I have to ask.  I went for the longest time thinking “but I shouldn’t have to ask.”  Yes I do.  I have to speak up.  I can’t just go on and on expecting people to just know what I need, inside my house or outside.  It’s not a fair expectation.  It’s especially easy for a mother to get the martyrs mindset that nobody sees, and nobody cares.

I suppose that’s because the jolt into motherhood is so severe.  It’s such a dependent relationship that you will die for this little one if you had to, your love is so fierce, but the little baby could care less whether you eat or sleep.  The responsibility of having a little baby to care for is so huge, and then that baby doesn’t want to go to anyone but you, and you are the one who knows how things get done, and kids like routines, and then one or two people make thoughtless statements about how they never had any help, they understand it’s hard, and this is just what motherhood is about.

So then you start thinking that the problem is with you, and you just have to buck up and hold it all together by yourself.  You think that maybe you’re just not strong enough.

I see so many mothers around me running on empty, and wondering what in the world is wrong with them.  I can relate.  I live that often.  I’m still in the trenches.

But deep in my heart, I know this is not how it’s supposed to be.  We were made for community for this reason.  I think this is why a healthy marriage is so important, why a church community is so important, why small groups of friends are so important.  There is no shame in asking for help, despite how some people make you feel.  As I’ve written about before, we are designed to need rest.  If a mother is running on fumes, it’s not because she is too needy.  It’s because she has a tough time asking for help, or she’s not getting enough support in her marriage or church or community.  And yet when those issues are too big to handle, we just try to need less, or take care of ourselves less, and just become more and more invisible because that seems easier, and then feel sad that no one notices.  It’s a lonely place to live.  One of my favorite things about how Jesus healed in the New Testament is that he always acknowledged their core need.  It wasn’t always obvious.  He had a way of getting straight to the issue.

I guess this just leaves me with an encouragement for my readers, and myself, to see people today.  Think about doing a random act of kindness.  Drop off supper at someone’s house, just because you know they’ve been busy.  Send a gift card for a coffee shop.  Ask people who seem to have a tough time asking for help what specifically you can do.  If they say “nothing” than make some suggestions, to let them know what you are open to do.  Maybe you could babysit.  Maybe you could help mentor a kid of theirs who is going through a tough season.  Write an encouraging note, and put it in the mail.  Maybe you could volunteer in the church nursery or at a MOPS group so they could have a moment to get fed.  Maybe you could just give them a big hug and let them know that you notice how hard they are working.