Dr. Appointments

I’ve had doctor appointments so much lately, I feel like I whip out my insurance card faster than my debit card. I saw a doctor yesterday who was willing to do the surgery next week (when we were planning on being back home) but my mom’s best girl friend is a surgical nurse, and did not recommend that doctor. However, she did get some strings pulled to see a great doctor, who I saw today. He’s willing to fit a surgery in, but is unwilling to the surgery without getting one test result back…which may be until next week. This test gives them a number basically telling the likely hood of this tumor having anything cancer related. So far, my chances of this ovarian tumor being cancerous is about 1.5%. If my numbers from that bloodwork are high, he’ll want a gyn-oncologist present at the surgery, to make sure nothing is missed. Not a very high chance, but high enough for them to be extra cautious.

So we’re on standby, trying to figure out what to do. We may just have the surgery back home after all. Waiting that long puts me in no danger, but I am getting quite uncomfortable. The good doctor I saw this morning said he would set his staff to try to push that lab work as fast as possible, and if it comes back in time, regardless of the results, we’ll have the surgery down here. If the results don’t come back in time for us to leave, we might just leave.

At least we’re at the point where we can make more “fun” plans down here. I’m going to my Grandma’s tonight for supper, and tomorrow I hope I’ll get to visit with a friend at the park. Plus, I’ve been going to doctor appointments early in the morning, which has allowed me the beautiful sight of seeing the hot air balloons that freckle the Arizona sunrise this time of the year. I keep forgetting how beautiful a sight it can be. Sometimes 10 or more of these upsidedown teardrop shapes of all colors and at various heights are up in the cool of the morning. But, I digress.

Last night Knut and I got to go out for a movie. (We saw “Avatar” in 3D) It was fun to watch the movie, but I just haven’t been myself. I find myself developing a bad attitude towards having to have surgery. To put it plainly, I don’t wanna. I don’t want to go under, I don’t want the recovery time. I don’t like any of this. The alternative to surgery is dying, and that sounds less pleasant, so surgery it is. I know I should be grateful for modern medicine, and how quick and easy this surgery is going to be. As much as I’m pushing for an as soon as possible surgery, I really don’t want it.

What I am looking forward to, is feeling like I can do stuff again, feeling no more pain, and being able to run around and wrestle my kids again.

OK, shall I be really honest? I know in the past I talked about the elephant in the room I was dealing with. It was so close to home, and so raw, I didn’t feel right about blogging about it. But it’s been awhile, it’s no longer raw, so I will. Just before Thanksgiving, I had a miscarriage. I was not very far along, but we knew about the pregnancy, and were thrilled.

I had never miscarried before, and I felt so lost as to what to do. If I were to describe my emotions, it would be “disoriented”. It was not the plan to lose the baby. Obviously. I wasn’t sure how to grieve, who to tell, who not to tell. I wasn’t sure how to handle it.

I went to the doctor to confirm the miscarriage. As they confirmed by ultrasound that yes, I was losing the baby, they also found a strange looking cyst on one of my ovaries. They wanted me to come back in a month, and see if it resolved itself or not. Obviously, it grew by leaps and bounds and is now causing problems and being called “tumor”.

Honestly, after a couple weeks, I felt as though I had processed the miscarriage. Yes, I will always have that empty space, but I just couldn’t live in a sad state anymore. I was done with sad. Not done with missing the baby, but done with sad. Dealing with this cyst/tumor/stupid thing makes my stomach feel like the size it should be if I were still pregnant. It makes me go in and feel out paperwork at doctor’s offices, and saying out loud the word “miscarriage” over and over and over again.

It didn’t help that the first “bad” doctor that I saw down here said I shouldn’t even be thinking about having any more kids because we are not a wealthy family. Anymore kids, he said, and we won’t be able to afford college or Disneyland.

So yeah, I’ve been having an attitude problem. Fortunately, my family is overwhelmingly understanding, and have allowed me rest and offer endless encouragement. Really, though, I’m so done being sad. I want to leave sad behind. I just don’t want this dragged out anymore, you know?

At the same rate that I seem to be checking my attitude, this problem is getting more physically painful, which presents a challenge. I could use your continued support and prayers that this cyst/tumor/stupid thing can be removed quickly. I know I’m throwing myself a little pity party here, but writing for me is a part of my process of dealing with things. I’m not sure whether or not it’s appropriate to share before the world like this, but I’m past caring about that. For those who read my blog, and believe in the power of prayer, I’d ask that you pray that God intervenes, and I’ll be able to have the surgery this week before going home. If that’s not God’s will, I’d pray God would give me the grace to endure it a little while longer.

Happy Things

Drum roll please….

We have lost a tooth. On Christmas Day, Silje lost her first tooth. Lucky girl had Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy visit her in consecutive nights.

Her permanent tooth has already started growing in behind it before it fell out, and the tooth on the bottom next to it is days/hours away from falling out as well, with another tooth growing behind it as well.

With my parents missing most milestones for my kids, being so far away, I was so glad that Silje’s first tooth fell out here, so that we could all celebrate together.

I finally decided that the Tooth Fairy would bring her one dollar for the tooth. It was tricky to decide, since we were fully aware that we were setting the price for all the future missing teeth in the family. My mom used to get a dime for her teeth. I used to get a quarter, so a dollar doesn’t seem so little. Silje was just thrilled.

This little guy is staying so busy here. He’s finally warming up to his surroundings and to Grammy and Papa. He really really likes their walker, and walks wherever he pleases in their one level house. He likes to race David, and he can now turn around and is getting really good really fast.

Santa brought Silje Disney princess checkers. This was her first game with Daddy.

Today Elias ventured out to ride Eeyore. Mostly David has been riding him, but as Elias is getting better and better with the walker, we tried him out here and he did just great!

Take a look at the things kids get to do at Grammy’s house. For some strange reason, we don’t do finger paints at home. This was a fun project that the kids did OUTSIDE today, with aprons on. It was washable paints, but I can’t tell you the stains my kids have on clothes from “washable” paints.

It was like they were in heaven.

The funny thing about finger paints, though, is that they don’t really paint objects. They just love mixing the paints together and feeling it, more than designing with it.

Grammy had a hand washing station set up inside. There was a stool, and a sink full of warm soapy water.

Fortunately, Brandy the dog didn’t get any paint on her!
As for Knut, he spent the day golfing with Papa and my brother-in-law, Tony, who has a good shot at a profession in the sport. He’s also found a great bike path to use his roller skiis, and has tried to go out at least an hour a day on them. He says you wouldn’t believe the looks he gets! Although we love being down here, hearing about all the snow we got back home is about driving Knut crazy. He hasn’t skied on snow yet this year, and he’s not very happy with that!
As for me, I’m feeling a bit out of it, but really looking forward to getting to the doctor in the morning. I feel like I’m quickly getting more uncomfortable. Knut and I will try to sneak in a trip to the movies, as we actually haven’t been to a theater yet this year. Part of his Christmas present to me was a shopping trip, as he set aside some of my Christmas money for a shopping date. I don’t think I can go home without doing that with him as well.

Not Me Monday!

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

OK, I’m not sure I can get these graphics to work right on my papa’s computer, so you’ll just have to imagine the “not me” button.

I am not sleeping in incredibly late and letting my husband take care of the kids in the morning. He’s a morning person anyway, and he figures I could use the sleep.

I did not just go ahead and take 2 pieces of chocolate cake for my first time round the buffet at my sister’s baby shower yesterday because really, who are we kidding here.

I am not secretly excited that my parents have the Nick Jr. and Toon Disney channels and I’m not taking full advantage of them whenever the kids seem to be driving me crazy. I plan way more exciting vacation adventures.

Well, that’s all I can think of for now, as I wasn’t planning on doing a “Not Me Monday” post today. Kinda spur of the moment.

Update on Health

We had an eventful day today, and as my sister posted a bit of it on facebook, I’ve been getting voice mails and emails wishing me well, and wondering if everything is fine.

I did go to the emergency room this morning. I woke up around 5am with abdominal pain, and knowing about the cyst, I felt like I was walking on eggshells, so I thought we should play it safe and go to the emergency room. Fortunately, Sunday morning is a pretty dull time at the ER, so we were quickly helped.

They ran a ton of tests, including a CAT scan and an ultrasound, an obscene amount of blood work. After they ruled out appendicitis and kidney stones, they told me I had a cyst. (Insert eye roll.) It had not ruptured, and they redefined it for me as a “complex cyst” or a “tumor”. Complex meaning it has 2 parts, separated by a membrane. One part is normal with clear fluid, the other part is abnormal with possible calcification. It’s measuring at a whopping 8cm. Aren’t you glad you know that now?

Since I had already scheduled an appointment with a reputable doctor for Tuesday, they gave me all the copies of all the tests to take to him then, and sent me home with some pain killers. Since it’s more of a tumor than a cyst, they said that I should have no worries of it spontaneously rupturing at home. It just needs to be removed and analyzed.

We are hoping to get that done before the end of the year for insurance reasons, and because I have a huge network of help down here. (Including grandparents that are starved for grand kid attention!) I’m seeing the OBGYN early on Tuesday, and I’m crossing my fingers for a same day surgery. It’s not really emergency status, but still, that’s something I’m praying for. (Not the emergency, but the quick surgery) With all the testing done now, and in the doctor’s hand, I’ve been told it’s a reasonable possibility, as there will be nothing to do when I go in on Tuesday, except make some real decisions.

With the calcification going on, there is now no chance of this cyst going down on it’s own, and surgery will be required. Surprisingly, the word “tumor” doesn’t scare me, and I just want the surgery done, and done soon.

I did have my aunt who seems to be our family’s medical advisor, look over all my lab results this afternoon. I asked more scary questions, like should I worry about the possibility of cancer. She said they have detected no cancer in my blood, although there is a small chance that there is cancer contained in the tumor itself, which they won’t know until they analyze it after it’s removed. However, she said that would shock her because all of my lab numbers are excellent, and she would think there would be some other sign pointing to that. So far all the evidence points to a simple tumor that needs to be removed. So I’ve decided not to worry until someone tells me to. So far, the worse case scenario is the possibility of losing one of my ovaries…and I have another one of those 😉 The tumor is actually growing inside the ovary, not outside.

Part of me is very annoyed that my vacation will be spent recovering from surgery, and part of me is glad I get to do this down here with my mom here to baby me, and the timing couldn’t be better.

There are, however, way more cool things going on down here, some requiring pictures, and most certainly deserving their own happy post. Some major childhood milestone was met, we were blessed beyond any expectation, and we are most certainly enjoying our time. So it’s not all bad down here :) I just wanted to do a quick post to calm all the fears and concerns that have gotten to me. I’m fine and home, and enjoying my family. On Tuesday, we’ll see what happens…and I hope it’s something!

I still appreciate all your prayers and would appreciate it if they continued. Really, I think that’s why I’ve been able to stay so calm so far.